Still Bored

I know I know, y'all probably can't care for these results but heck, I'm still fuckin' bored. My pooch's still napping, my mom went out, my imaginary friend is piss-drunk and the poltergeist went to get more knives.

Anyways.

What kinda Communication Style am I or some shite.

'Sharon, when talking to your partner, you're an Expressive.

This means that you tend to be a passionate partner who isn't at all shy about communicating what you're thinking and feeling to your significant other. It can be very important to you that your partner both hears your perspectives and understands where you're coming from. As a result, in your mind it's often best to talk about problems immediately, even if that discussion leads to a heated discussion. That's the fiery passion in you. Your convictions are important to you and you're willing to defend them fervently if need be.

Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.'


That doesn't help much when you ain't got noone to talk to.

Bored

I'm mad bored right now coz my pooch is napping, my mom is on the phone, my imaginary friend went out to get booze and the poltergeist is probably somewhere sharpening knives.

So I did another test.

I have no idea what test I took. I just answered 'em questions and this is what I got.

'Sharon, you're a Type 5 - The Experimenter

Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate your probing intelligence and open-minded approach to life. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on to give them a carefully considered answer based on keen observations. As an Experimenter, you're likely to be seen as a capable and competent individual with a visionary outlook.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Renowned painter Georgia O'Keefe, with her reclusive nature and intense focus on her craft, and Albert Einstein, with his groundbreaking theorems and unprecedented view of the space-time continuum, were also Type 5s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of perception as well as a curious and innovative mind. In fact, like many Experimenters, you have a strong drive to understand how things work.'

Yea, I think too much and sometimes that makes my head hurt.

How True?

Took a test 'What Kinda Girlfriend Are You?'.

And I thought the result would just say 'Psychotic'.

Guess not.

'Sharon, you're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.'

I don't think there is a definite 'result' for everyone. People evolve and their attitudes towards relationships change with time.

I know mine did.

Haunted House Saga

And yea, I accidentally spotted another cut. This time, on my right ankle. It's not huge but it's still a distinct cut. Damn, if I bother to check myself properly, I wonder how slashed up I really am.

This little poltergeist sure loves his/her knives.

Oh, and things are disappearing and then reappearing around the house.

3 out of the 4 under this roof have fallen ill.

Just thought you'd like to know.

I hope that li'l bugger is happy. That bastard better leave my sweet Nike alone.

Nike does bark quite alot at the door these days. And of course, there'd always be noone there.

Oh well, if I can have an imaginary friend, I don't see why I can't have a ghost as another companion.

I just wish [s]he'd stop slashing me though.

Finally In Pieces.

My heart is so broken. Into all 4673247 tiny pieces.

And I thought it could never again. But then it did. This afternoon. On a normal Sunday afternoon.

I received an email from a friend. A very special friend. There were two lines I kept staring at.

I stared hard at them whilst my heart took its time to break.

I stared hard at them for 17 long minutes.

I felt so helpless as I witnessed those two lines rip my world apart. I lived the moment.

It was so painful because I know what happened resulted from nothing I could've done or could do.

How could something be so out of your control and yet affects you to this extent?

This could be one of those regrets you hear people speak about when they grow old.

But how do you regret something you didn't have any control over?

I wonder if he knows.

I wonder what all that meant to him.

Haunted Thoughts

A few posts back, I mentioned that my place may be haunted because people are falling over and knocking their heads on walls when really, they shouldn't be.

I forgot to mention that around 2 weeks after the initial incident [the one where I fell and knocked my head hard against the corner of a wall], I fell again in my yard. This time, I suffered a nasty cut on my foot and bled quite profusely.

I would've totally forgotten about this if not for what happened this morning.

I was brushing my teeth when I noticed it.

A slash across my wrist!

It wasn't deep enough to stitch but it was deep enough to bleed. I was dumbfounded. A cut right across my right wrist.

I ran out and told my sister and my mother who obviously preferred other reasons for the cut.

My sister blamed it on Nike, our pooch and my mom blamed it on the many bangles I have on my arm.

But.

If Nike scratched me, I would've known. I wouldn've felt it. If he did, he wouldn't have left just one prominent slash across my wrist. There'd be at least a couple of small scratches no? He hasn't learnt how to scratch with only one nail for cryin' out loud! Plus, he hadn't struggled at all when I carried him recently. And why only at my wrist?

If the slash was from my bangles [or one of them], then why only now? I've had those bangles on for months now and I've never had any scratches or marks from them before! Plus, there aren't any sharp parts on my bangles. It's just not possible.

Hell, ghost or no ghost, I am running a temperature. Bad throat and nastier nose. I hate falling ill. Eeerk.

They Are Ba-ack.

Last night marked the fifth in a row.

They seemed to be back with a vengence. They were angrier, nastier and more unforgiving.

The nightmares are back.

I woke up in cold sweat five days in a row.

I didn't sleep long enough to conclude any one of them, thank God.

I've been forcing myself to stay up at night. I've been too scared to close my eyes.

But.

Today at 5am, I succumbed to the Sandman.

I wish I didn't.

I'm still scared.

The Reality When It's Over

The most upsetting thing about a break-up is not that you're forever separated from this person you once loved. It is witnessing the true colors of this person you once loved.

Every time after a break-up, I feel more disappointment than any other emotions.

It's like as if there are only two lists to abide with. The 'She is my girlfriend' list and the 'She is not my girlfriend' list.

Surely if you've genuinely cared for a person as a person [and not solely as a partner], it doesn't stop once you're broken up?

Of course lines would and should be drawn. You no longer sleep with the person or you no longer make decisions based on being a couple. Still, the basic care and respect shouldn't be lost no?

I always believe 'You'd never know a person fully until you've broken up with them'. To them, it seems as if it is a must to hurt you as much as they can after a break-up. What's up with that?

That aside, I recently spoke to a friend through MSN and we were on one of my favorite topics - death/suicide.

Friend: 'Anyways, I don't know if you subscribe to the idea of reincarnation but if someone dies and tries to run away from their problems, they will have to go through the same shit again in their next life coz, well, they were meant to face them anyways.'

Me: 'I don't believe in reincarnation [it's the evilest idea ever]. I am inclined to believe that death is the end-all. All those people who killed themselves are probably laughing at how stupid we are right now, taking shit when we could've just ended things.'

I mean, we wouldn't know would we? Life is a gamble. So is death. If you trust that death (and whatever happens after) would be better than your current predicament, then so be it. Noone gave you a choice coming into this wretched world so the least you can have is a choice when to leave [of course God overrides that. God overrides everything].

I do not believe in reincarnation because I think it would take an extremely sadistic and evil being to make us go through this miserable existence they call life over and over and over again without an option to quit. Pretty scary thought huh? And I don't believe the One who made us can be so cruel.

[No offence to those who believe in reincarnation. This is MY view. If you have a mind of your own, you wouldn't be offended with what mine thinks].

There is NOTHING in life worth living for. And NOTHING in life worth coming back for.

Hell no.

I've always thought it unfair to be created against my will. The least that could be done is to totally annihilate my body and soul after I pass. I don't wanna go to Heaven. I don't wanna go to Hell. I want to be nothingness.

Sadly, not many religions give you that choice. It's so heartbreaking. It's either Heaven or Hell or come back for another round. And some of us didn't even wanna be around in the first place.

Life is too tough. Let's hope death gets a bit easier.

Love Secrets

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

SPOT ON.

Optimists Blow

I hate patronising optimists!

I hope they take their 'Get Well Soon' cards and shove them up their disease-ridden asses.

If I hear another 'Cheer up!', 'Relax! Things are not that bad!', etc shite, I am going to slice them up nice and mutilate their insides.

SHUT UP ALREADY!

The next bastard to tell me 'your family will always love you no matter what' gets to live with my family.

Fuck you if you think you know.

Don't tell me what to think, how to feel or what to believe in.

I am not your 16 year old whining about how mommy never spend time with her anymore or how daddy wouldn't buy her that pretty dollhouse.

You know something is wrong when you fantasize about putting a gun to your father's temple.

NeuPsy

Get away from me. You scored 33 neuroses and 21 psychoses!

You are that person who keeps stalking me because you claim that I insulted you at that dinner party. You were wearing the centerpiece on your head and punching holes in my lawn with your stiletto heels, so I feel justified in telling you to get the fuck out of my house. I know that my friends feel sorry for you and continue to invite you around, but know that I do not share their compassion. Stay away or you'll hear from my lawyer.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 75% on neuroses You scored higher than 75% on psychoses

Link: The Are you Neurotic or Psychotic Test written by chickennibbler on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ok, I need to stop. I need to have my dinner at some point.

Now is good.

Chat Long Distance

I was (still am really) chatting with this friend from London.

Him: So are you going to let up? What's wrong with you?

Me: I am part of a dysfunctional family. Why don't you marry me and get me out of it?

Him: Funny person.

Me: It could be funny or scary. You're positive.

Life is a bad deal. You do not have a choice coming into it and you have to leave it dead. Can't think of a worse deal than that. And yet, so many managed to find their short-lived reasons to live. They can have my hat.

The man who had me with my mother totally pissed me off last night. I stomped into the room where my mom was, in her own world as usual.

Me: I can't stand him! ARGHHHHH!

Mom: What choices do we have? I am stuck with him. 'Least you can still do something. Go get married and get out of here.

Me: You sayin' I should marry anyone just to get out of here?

Mom: I don't care what you do.

Don't y'all feel the love?

Psychos Have It Easy

Category 2 You scored and 40 mental state!

Your teetering on the edge of insanity. Yes your crazy and you need help. However there's still hope! Still...stay the hell away from me!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on mental state

Link: The Are you a Psycho? Test written by militarychicky on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Don't know why I've been doing such quizzes. Guess it's coz my mom couldn't and wouldn't bother getting me to a real psychiatrist. Like I always say 'The next time I wouldn't ask her to bring me to one, I'd show her'

The only way to happiness is to lose touch with reality.

Psychos have it easy.

I Am More Abnormal Than Normal

You Are 60% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at high risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is very likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

I guess I've always known.

I am more abnormal than normal.

It's only a matter of time before I turn fully abnormal.

What's normal anyways?

So They Say

I'm now guzzling my fourth can of Heiny. At 7.07pm in the evening.

I feel sick but I refuse to barf because I feel that if I do, I'd feel the pain again.

They say when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

They say that it can only get better.

They say that tomorrow will be better.

They say dreams come true.

They say that good things come to those who waits.

They say they know how it feels.

They say the pain will go away, eventually.

They say life is beautiful.

They say nothing is impossible.

They say it's all in the mind.

They say everything happens for a reason.

They say what can't kill you will only make you stronger.

They say you're not alone.

I say how much do they really know?

I say how many miles have they walked in my shoes?

I say how would they know?

I say how sure are they?

I know I fell and stayed fallen.

I know it hurt.

I know it never went away.

I know I waited in vain.

I know 'care' and 'love' are but pretty words.

I know I've cried.

I know I've tried.

I know I'm alone.

I know I'd always be.

I know things will never change.

I know I'd never find.

I know I'd never believe.

Now tell me, who's living the lie?

Noone gets out of life alive.

I'd rather live life knowing what it really is than to live life a lie.

The realities of life. That's the real scary thing.

I Refuse

I refuse to allow money [or the lack of] determine my predicament.

I refuse to stand crippled without J's support.

I refuse to be somewhere I don't want to be.

I refuse to clean up after my dad 24/7.

I refuse to let anything run my life.

I refuse to be a victim of conservatism.

I refuse to live with people I can't stand.

I refuse to use dirty bathrooms.

I refuse to 'play it safe'.

I refuse to wait.

I refuse to tolerate.

I refuse to clean up coffee stains or whatever on the table, desk, floor, shower door handles, etc.

I refuse to react to people around me. They shall react to me.

I refuse to let emotions get the better of me.

I refuse to refill the toilet roll holders.

I refuse to put myself at a disadvantage.

I refuse to revolve my life around others'.

I refuse to clean my floor 8 times a day.

I refuse to love.

I refuse to see people I semi-love bullied.

I refuse to be bullied.

I refuse to have every electronic equipment in my house destroyed.

I refuse to have the speakers blasting at 4am when everyone's trying to sleep.

I refuse to let things go without a fight.

I refuse to let anyone rip me or my mom off.

I refuse to step on coffee powder or whatever my dad had for his meals.

I refuse to be weak.

I refuse to be part of a dysfunctional family.

I refuse to let anyone determine my worth.

I refuse to make an appointment just to use the PC or watch TV.

I refuse to believe I'm a loser and useless just because my dad tells me so.

I refuse to hurt.

I refuse to believe my mom when she says she no longer needs me.

I refuse to cry.

I refuse to give up.

I refuse to give my heart to anyone other than my poochie.

I refuse to get married.

I refuse to have children.

I refuse to dream about what I can't have.

I refuse a normal life.

I refuse to but would have to eventually accept that I cannot refuse what I want to refuse.

I'm fallen.

A Story To Tell

I have a story to tell.

But I do not have the time because unfortunately (very very unfortunately) my dad sprung a nasty surprise on us today. He called and said he'd be coming home tonight.

I know!

Shit always hits the fan by the truckloads.

He thought it was very cute to let us know at the darn last minute. We thought it was extremely evil and totally uncalled for.

You should've seen my mom's reaction. I reacted the worst, of course, and was so close to jumping out the window.

'NOT FAIR!' I bellowed. 'He JUST left! I waited nearly two months for him to go! He can't just come back in less than one!!' I couldn't accept it. That 2 months I waited for his ass to leave were HELL. And I'm not exaggerating. H.E.L.L.

I didn't have time to prepare for it mentally and sunk right into depression.

My mom offered a word or two of consolation and we all concluded that there's really nothing we could do other than to win the lottery and get the fuck out of this place.

With the recent (yes, again) demise of J in my life, I didn't need this bullpoop.

I haven't had the time to grieve over the loss of a long-term relationship. And now I'm trashed back into living hell.

Somehow, my life has a way of ripping itself right apart and flinging its pieces in each and every direction.

'If you don't like a system, get out of it' - words forever etched in my memory by a guy who used to be the bestest friend I ever had, although he disappeared on me one day like all good things do....I digressed.

So I have decided to get out of it. I am making plans to do something so absurd, it makes getting a tattoo look like playing with Barbie dolls.

Sure, it's a risky thing I'm gonna do but hey, I'm someone with absolutely nothing to lose.

I've lost all I could.

If I can't survive, I die.

Just Because

Just because I don't love him [I don't know for sure really. Who does?] doesn't mean I can't miss him.

Love is really too strong an emotion to have.

I still care about him though. That surely can't suffice.

Just got back into contact with a friend from high school [we lost contact for 12 whole years!]. Man, those memories.

She remarked 'You and your A**** P**.' Then she asked 'Oh my gosh, are you still with him??!'

The memories came flooding back and I realised I miss A too.

Later, I received an email from Yusuke and was brought back to those sweet days in Europe. I definitely miss that guy too.

This can't mean I love all 3 of them. Can it?

Confused Ramblings

I've been mighty unhappy lately. I guess it's pretty obvious.

You can't feel good when you've hurt someone you care about so immensely.

If only there is something I could do.

If I told you I would be with you at the expense of my own happiness, would you let me?

If you said yes, could I really do it without a single ounce of resentment?

Where do we go from here? What am I going to do now?

Could you really be with someone who may never love you?

For those nursing a broken heart, let me tell you this. I would rather have my heart broken over and over than to have a heart that can never love [resulting in people I care about being really, really hurt]. You have no idea how lucky you are.

I'd never find out what you did.

My heart can only break

WHY CANNOT I FALL IN LOVE?

What's the trick in falling in love? Why must it be so difficult?

Those who've been with someone for more than 3 years, please answer my questions.

How do you not get sick of that same one person?

Is it true that if you've found the right one, everything would fall into place and you would never get sick or bored of them?

The inability to fall in love is like an illness. It's sad but there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's an illness! It must be! And we can't help falling ill can we?

Think impotency. Try as you might, you can never get certain parts to function. It gets exasperating and frustrating. It breaks you inside out and there is nothing you can do about it.

My heart cannot function. And it is scaring me.

I am so tired and exasperated. I think what I have is incurable. Unless I find the one right doctor for it. Yes? [I can't believe I have the mood at this time to be cheesy]

I cannot fall in love.

And it's breaking my heart.

PS: I swear I'd marry the one guy who can get me to fall madly in love with him [duhhhhh]. Which is impossible. I'm screwed.