Disappointment.

I am so disappointed with someone. So much it physically hurt.

Disappointment is a huge part of life. But this is seriously getting old.

Relapse

I had another episode this evening and it reduced my mom to tears. I hate to see her cry which was why I held it in till I thought she left the house to get her hair done. I was underneath my blankie when she flipped open it and caught me.

The worst part was, I couldn't answer her when she asked me why. I really do not know why and it breaks my heart to have to break hers.

It's so hard to have to deal with this alone. I have got no choice because noone believes a word I say. Or rather, noone gives a shit enough.

To friends of mine reading this. I am sorry I can't be the person you know in real life. For that, go to www___________________ (URL deleted because my picture is on that site).

Like I've mentioned before, this is a highly personal journal and this is the only place where noone's gonna pick on the things I say.

I do not wish to have to be happy in here. Please understand and if need be, leave me alone.

There is another journal I keep at www.alcowhore.blogspot.com which is less sombre. Maybe that'd be better to visit.

'Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.' - Someone

And The Reality

I regretted it immediately the moment I woke up.

My previous post was extremely insensitive, thoughtless and irresponsible.

And no, I do not feel that way as soon as the alcohol left my system.

He was just something different, the kinda attention I never got in a long long time. I do not have any feelings towards him nor do I want to be with him.

A trip to Italy is extremely exciting and I would love to go there on a holiday but it's another matter altogether if I were to settle down there permanently and become a citizen.

My heart still belongs to London, England. And I'd be back soon.

I hope you get what I mean.

And thanks for the roses.

Him

I've been jaded by someone I used to trust.

'You want to prevent the death of the relationship' I said 'But you never cared about its health'

Today, I received a dozen white roses from someone who, I believe, really loves me. But is it too little too late?

I seem to have developed some feelings for someone else.

It's too early to say but if I were to imagine myself somewhere with somebody, it's not the one who sent me the roses. Rather, it's that person who sent me home tonight.

When I was with him tonight, I was hoping the night never ended. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why then did I feel that way?

Who do I want? I do not have the answer.

I just want someone who'd make me happy. For now. For whenever.

I do not care.

I just know I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

Update later. For now, I'm sloshed.

The World, a Sooty Black.

I am so angry with so many people so many times I am starting to wonder if it is all even possible.

I feel so disconnected from everyone. They seem to be living life under a different manual. Everything is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I just don't get their logic or where they are coming from and they refuse to explain.

I am always the one told to let it slide while the rest of the monsters continue savaging me. This is ludicrous! They go on without an ounce of reason and I am the one who should be heading to hell. You tell me.

Shouldn't it be that the evil and wrong be flogged? Shouldn't it be that justice prevails? Since when did it switch around?

This is no longer making sense and the world gets scarier when all reasons and senses are lost. Suddenly, I don't know how to live anymore. I just don't.

I am starting to hate every single human being I see.