An end to everything past and to 2005.

It's New Year Eve.

This must be one of the worst preludes to a new year ever. My mood is sombre and my heart is broken.

I've decided on alot of things for the new year.

For one, I've decided to go for a social detox and sweep all the nasty people out of my life.

I have to be more selective than I already am in the coming year.

'I' am going to feature more in the new year and people's feelings are going to get hurt. I am no longer going to have time for anyone or their bullshit.

One person I've sadly decided to put to rest in my world is J.

We've come a long long way and with every broken relationship, it's gonna hurt. But it's us or me.

And it's gonna be ME.

I can't spend the rest of my life feeling miserable. I cannot be with anyone who brings out the worst in me. I need to be more positive this year if I'm to survive longer than I intend.

I'm so sorry J, but our journey ends at the stroke of midnight.

It's indeed a sad end to a wonderful year but we've got to be strong for better things to come.

Nobody would understand the decision I've made tonight nor could they ever fathom my pain. But if it takes living alone for the rest of my life to be happy, that is what I'm going to do.

For I sorely miss being happy J, and you of all people should know that.

Such is life when you love someone so much but just could never find a way to be happy together.

Cutting J off would mean cutting off a huge part of my life since he's the only one who knows my secrets, fears, dreams and life.

I'd never let anyone be that close to me again. It was such a scary and painful experience.

Sure was glad to know ya Li'l and I wish you only the best in life.

Happy New Year now.

Last night at Siam

Siam (Supperclub) is sucha nice place to chill. No crowd, free flow from 8-10pm, attentive service, nice low temperature, strong drinks, cheap snacks/food and cosy dim atmosphere. Really, what more can one asks for?

However, we went over to Eastside after we're done with our drinks because the music at Siam was horrible. The DJ was lousy at changing tracks and ergo, our mood was affected. Anticlimatic.

We didn't appreciate the music genre too, so more reason to move on. The genre was S.H.I.T by the way. At least that's what I think.

We painted the town red though and had too many laughs. Company was good.

By 2am, I was already wiped out and ready to head home. I am not usually the one to suggest going home but I did last night. I felt poorly and looked like death warmed over. The effect of the dreaded white liquor.

I had mostly vodka (and only a bottle of Heiney). Those who are close to me know that vodka kills me. I cannot take white liquor. I take a chance with vodka sometimes but I stay the hell away from gin.

I am afterall a Whiskey girl. Dark liquor kicks ass!

So after the seventh glass of vodka, I knew I had enough. I wasn't exactly liquored up but I felt really nasty. There was an uncomfortable tightness in my chest and multiple lumps in my throat. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. I saw my life flashed by and I knew I had to call it a night.

Fortunately, I was with this group who never say no to an early night. Kenneth sent me and Faith home and once home, I felt worse.

I couldn't act sober because I was feeling too terrible to even try. My mum was none too pleased and reminded me to take care of my health. I threw up twice and then had myself a nice hot shower.

J called and I was telling him my 'last words' because I was convinced the vodka would ultimately literally kill me. I kept on telling him I was feeling miserable and dreading the hangover the next day, totally forgetting that vodka never gives hangies.

I woke up the next day, feeling extremely normal. No hangies! I swore my head hurt a tad when I sprung out of bed though. But hell, at least my food didn't taste like mud! Yay!

Life is always a trade-off. You can see it in the simplest of things.

Feel miserable with vodka but suffer no hangover?

Or feel good with whiskey and suffer a shitova hangover?

To eat or forget to eat?

My poor eating habit is indeed something to moan about.

I took an hour fifteen to finish my lunch today.

J would say that's nothing compared to when I was in England. He would grumble and complain about me not finishing my meals within the hour.

Sometimes, I would get so distracted I'd forget I was in the middle of a meal.

I would be doing my usual stuff and then suddenly see a bowl of unfinished meal on my table.

And then a smack on my forehead would usually follow.

Talking about this made me think of those days when J would finish his meals first and then I wouldn't allow him to leave the table. I would make him sit at the table with me until I was done. He would then sulk and get really irritated (I can take a looooooooooong time to finish my food). His guitar and comic books must always be within reach so he could strum or read while I eat slowly.

Man, I hated that guitar. Because, hard as I tried, I couldn't play that bitch.

The Devil made me write it

My evil persona came out to play. Not without the help of some fucked up people I unfortunately had the dishonor of knowing.

I've been feeling extremely evil these coupla days and I don't know why. Bitchy, unhappy, grouchy, and just plain nasty. I wanna see bad shit happen and then laugh about it over a glass of infected blood.

I feel like Lucifer's bride.

I have so much negative vibes I wanna bash everyone's heads in just to see the mix of blood, broken bones and flesh. Something pretty in exchange for all these lousy humans I'm forced to live with at least.

Was gonna write a list of evil things I've done this week but deleted it because I don't think anyone would understand without first judging me. And I really do not have the time for that.

Too many things piss me off and trust you me, it does nobody any fucking good to tell me to take things easy. If I could, I would you daft twit.

Some mouths just open too much and too quickly.

I'm sick of all the high and mighty attitude I've been getting from someone. Don't tell me what to do or how to feel, you piece of shit, until you've walked a mile in my fuckin' shoes.

Some people should have that hole in their face permanently and surgically sealed. Nothing good ever comes out of it anyways. Some mouths are only good for blowjobs and I hope they can just stick to that instead. Then at least someone would feel good.

I don't know why I hate that person so much right now. But hell, I hate everybody right now.

I wish I'm on an island where there are only nice people and animals. We'd go hunting in the rest of the outside world and feast on all the nasty and horrible human beings. We could really live a long time on that.

PS: If you wanna tell me I'm crude and blah blah, take a queue number and jump off the cliff of FuckYou. I'd gladly set your carcass on fire after I've filed my nails.

PPS: On another note, shitloads of old entries coming up. Check back.

Going to Hell in a handcart

Our friendship has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.

It is unbearably difficult to maintain a smile in front of her now.

Everything she has to say gets me fed up to the back teeth. We used to get along famously but now, I just feel like punching her after her every sentence.

Her holier-than-thou attitude, her finger-wagging, her chatisement, her cruel put-downs, her defensiveness, her warped justifications, her belittlement, her criticism of my friends, oh I could go on.

In one worthier friend's words 'You certainly don't look like the type who'd take such shit'.

This is testament to the fact I did give this doomed friendship some stick but hell, this friendship's gone to the dogs.

It's time someone around here got some Jersey justice.

World Cup Groupiracy

The World Cup groupings are not cricket!!! In other words, they are unfair!!

Argentina gets to play The Netherlands. Japan gets to play Brazil. And the strongest team England gets to play against is Paraguay?!!!

WTHEF?

Looks like it's going to be a lousy one for J and I.

If The Netherlands (the team I hate most) beats Argentina, I am going to lose it. What happened in France 98 can NEVER happen again. Stupid orangy freaks.

Poor Japan though. Always getting the short end of the stick.

And is it only me but does England get away with almost anything at most World Cups?

What a travesty.

I cried when I found out WWF matches were all fixed. Hope I needn't cry again.

And if you don't know already, Axl Rose and I will both be cheering Argentina [and of course USA not that it'd do any good] on come June 9 2006.

Double whammy

J knows I enjoyed X-Factor the last time it was on TV in England. So he offered to record the whole new series for me. And that was just swell.

So weeks and months passed.

He faithfully recorded every episode for me.

He would call me sometimes and then have a bee in his bonnet about what went on this week on the episode. But we couldn't really indulge because I'd have no idea what is going or went on.

Recently, it was X-Factor's finale. I was mad excited. J would probably send 'em tapes over to me any time now! Yay! Great X'mas pressie, I thought.

Today, I logged into www.yahoo.co.uk intending to check my emails. There, right smack on the 4th headline :

'SHAYNE WINS X-FACTOR'



..............

Great.

I blew my stack, then a gasket.

HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME? HOW?

There should be a law on this. Whatever this is. Splashing spoilers all over the place. Someone should go to jail for this.

Later, I was on the blower with J when I decided that since I was already this upset over the spoiler, I might as well work it for some fun. At least turn things around to make this a good thing. Or a funny thing. Or something positive.

I chattered with J for a mo before nonchalantly maneuvering him into a topic he thought was random.

Me: ......and that was how the cat died. Anyhow, I had a weird dream last night.
J: Oh?
Me: Yea, I dreamt about X-Factor. I dreamt who won.
J was silent.
Me: In my dream, it was a guy. I don't know why.
J continued his silence although I could sense his unease.
Me: The funny thing was, he had a name! How bizarre is that?
J: Uh huh. What was his name?
Me: Shayne.
J kept painfully quiet and I was convinced he was freakin' out.

How did I know there was a contestant by that name? And how the fuck did I know he won?

I could almost hear those questions zoom by his head.

I couldn't bear to scare him further, especially since he was alone at home.

I confessed that I saw that spoiler on Yahoo. Then I started whining about how this is not fun anymore and that he might as well use the tapes as book-ends now.

He then revealed 'You know, thanks but I haven't watched the finale. I recorded it but haven't watched it. Was going to. Guess needn't now.'

!!!!!

Right in the ass. Ouch.

I felt like I just threw away his winning lottery ticket.

I apologised. I thought I was being smart. Turning this spoiler thing around. Instead, this bloody spoiler got us both and me twice.

Being the sweetie he is, he mumbled 'I knew Shayne was gonna win nyways. No worries'.

My feet sure left an awful taste in my big mouth.

I hate Yahoo. =(

To take the cake or the biscuit?

I called J this afternoon to wake him up for school (he's doing a course for his company). We chatted for a while and somehow, we went to the age old topic of him being such a cutie when he was a toddler.

I told him 'Your brothers could hardly compare. When it comes to overwhelming cuteness, who takes the cake?'

There was silence (which is not uncommon when on the phone with J).

Immediately I knew he didn't get it.

'Me' he muttered softly, unsure if that should be the answer.

I asked in a resigned tone 'You didn't get it again right?' (J has this problem of not knowing what I'm talking about, which is sad).

I was about to blow up (like I normally would) because I couldn't understand how two people can be so close yet one cannot get what the other is saying. A certain connection is defo lacking although we've known each other for years now.

Back to the convo.

J admitted he didn't get me and apologised for faking a reply (which is something that riles me no end - if you don't get something, ASK. Don't pretend you got it).

I repeated myself. After ascertaining that he could hear me but couldn't understand me, I realised that he has never heard this phrase 'take the cake'. I was flabbergasted. A 'stupid' escaped my lips until I realised that he didn't grow up in the American culture. He is British. My bad. Shite. Heh.

I then explained the phrase with an example 'Miss X may have a sweet face but when it comes to real beauty, Miss Y takes the cake'.

J then told me 'The closest thing I've heard is to 'take the biscuit''.

Ok, was he being sarcastic? But, it's not like J to be witty or funny.

'Make a sentence with that' I insisted.

'He really takes the biscuit' J attempted.

WTF? That's it??

Wow, he sure is good with this. Not.

'Don't lie to me! This phrase does not exist RIGHT?' I was sure I was going to catch him out.

He explained that the phrase 'to take the biscuit' refers to poking fun. Like 'take the mickey' and 'take the piss'. Now, if all means the same thing, why the hell do we need to 'take' so many things to make one simple point? British people are weird.

Update: I just did a search. To 'take the biscuit' is NOT to poke fun. It means 'absolute limit'. So in terms of meaning, 'take the cake' and 'take the biscuit' are not so different after all.

Well, at least we both learnt something new today.

The West Girl at East Side

It's Saturday and to those of you who already know, Saturdays are hangover days. And I'm nursing one now.

Things taste like mud, headache like a mother, the whole nine yards. I wasn't one over the eight last night but I did enough damage to secure myself a hangover today.

Was at East Side last night and it was a bit of a curate's egg. The start of the night was smashing and we had so much fun. We went crazy a bit and I guess that freaked WL out. Company was great because the girls outnumbered the guys!

I got tipsy turvy around the fourth bottle of MooseHead. Then somehow, we got to know these guys at the table beside ours and somehow again, I got a glass of Chivas Regal in my left hand. Candice said something funny. She told me 'WL wouldn't like guys approaching us because he's quite territorial'. HAHAHAHA. I corrected 'You mean protective...'

Company left when they decided they could drink no more. I stayed around with Sean and the guys from the table next to ours. We talked and before I knew it, I had agreed to proceed to Devil's Bar with them. HELLO? I hope noone I know saw me there. If not, the egg would defo be on my face. Benedict (one of the guys) works in New York and he told me he could get me a job there. He asked for my number and when I hesitated, he quickly added 'I never get girls' numbers from pubs. I am not the sort who'd pick up chicks'. These were his words verbatim. He should remember his story because the next thing I knew, he was 'picking me up' big time.

I couldn't drink anymore and so spent the 30 minutes in Devil's Bar gnashing ice. Benedict, the guy who does not pick up chicks, got slightly drunk and attempted to kiss me. That's a bit much. I pushed him away violently and asked his friend (forgot his name) to keep him in order. His friend told him I was uncomfortable and I stared at the friend, as if to imply an understatement. Benedict came over to me (I kept my distance) and told me how he really liked me the moment he set his eyes on me and how he wanted me to visit him in New York. If it weren't so dark in Devil's Bar, he'd have seen me roll my eyes hard.

Talking about dark in Devil's Bar, that place epitomizes SLEAZE. Why would they switch off nearly all the lights if not? Honestly, a couple could be making babies right there and noone would know or give a shit. Even Benedict took a 180 degree change into a slobbering pervert the moment we stepped into Devil's Bar. I felt like a babe in the woods with all the dodgy characters there.

I decided to leave when Benedict pestered to send me home (whose home, I was never sure but I ain't taking the chance!). His friend saw me out (apologising the whole way) and pushed a few bucks into my hand before slamming the cab door shut.

I still cannot remember this friend-of-Ben's name but I know he is an air steward (or a pilot?). Looks can be a curve ball. I thought initially that this steward was going to be more of a bother and didn't expect sweet-looking Benedict to be the one I should've guarded against.

So I went home around 5am and when I got home, I realised I did it again.

I LOST MY FREAKING EARRING.

Anger

She was mad. In an angry sort of way. Tonight was a disaster.

It shouldn't be but it was.

Afterall, she was out with two of the more important people in her life.

It was supposed to be a good night. No, a great night. It turned out to be anything but.

She was angry. Angry at her best friend for denying her basic courtesy and respect. 'How difficult, how fucking difficult is it to stop hurting the one you're supposed to care about?' she thought.

No matter how close two people are, any fucking purpose is defeated if their being together hurts one party no end.

She reached home suffocated. From the layer of mask she was forced to wear tonight.

Why can't she be angry when she feels anger? She's tired and had enough of suppressing her volcano of an emotion all in the name of being a best friend. It was so not worth it. She grimaced.
She's still angry. Angry with the two people who carelessly disregarded her feelings tonight.

'He's important but dispensable. I can always replace him. But she, how could she?' she thought as she guzzled her fourth bottle of Heineken.

She knew she should have kept her appointment with another to be somewhere else. She felt stupid for keeping this one just to have her pride torn right apart.

She took out her Mont Blanc and scribbled furiously on the torn piece of serviette.

'I hate you. For belittling me and making me look like the fool in front of the guy I was supposed to be dating. You never tried to understand how that would make me feel. You always felt it was your right to grab my pride and smash it into smithereens. No, we are not close at all. We're only close enough for me to get hurt repeatedly. We are in an unhealthy friendship where it is always my feelings in exchange for your ego trip. I am exhausted. I want this to end. I don't want and don't need a best friend. I wanna be angry when I am angry. I don't want to hold my anger just so you can get away with hurting me.

And you always criticise the people I date. They are horrible, they are ugly, they are basically freaks. Have you thought about how I'd feel? That you meant I was dating such abhorrent creatures? I had enough respect to shut my face when you introduced that balding, lisping mess who looked like he fries his hair before he goes to bed every night. When will you ever learn to shut yours? When will you realise it's not your fuckin problem who I date or see? Why don't you take your bloody opinions and shove them up your shithole? Give me them only when they are respectful. You fuckin disrespectful piece of asswipe.'

She inhaled and then exhaled so hard it became an angry sigh. She put down her pen and stared at the empty bottles of Heineken in front of her. Her eyes reddened. She asked the waitress for another piece of serviette. Then she wrote.

'You too. You are a sorry excuse for a man. The anger is there but the hate is not. You never meant enough to me to justify any. I just thought what you said earlier was extremely inconsiderate. You take the good with the bad, the rough with the smooth. You can't have the cake and eat it too unless the cake's poisoned. I have zero respect for you because I think you are a wuss. You let fear control and manipulate common courtesy. '

She flipped the serviette over and continued.

'Wish I didn't have to see the both of you in the cold light of day. Life is so much easier without people like you in it. And that's how it should be'

She slumped her tired self into the chair. After two minutes, she grabbed the pieces of written-on serviettes and pushed them into her empty pocket.

'You know something is wrong when you hate your best friend' she mumbled loud enough only for herself to hear. Then she gave a wry smile before asking the lovely waitress for the bill.

Happy Birthday Andrew

Friday night and I was at ICB with some of my friends. It was Andrew's birthday and I had to be there to wish him a happy one. Unfortunately, he was sloshed by the time I got there, which was lateeeee, no thanks to the rain and the excruciatingly long MRT ride.

Taking the MRT, I passed by weird places like Yew Tee, Kranji, Marsiling (why the hell was I all the way in the East?!), Yishun, Ang Mo Kio and Bishan. Why I needed to go through that route to get to Orchard, I will never know. It was a dang long journey with 17 unnecessary stops. I mean, if I'd taken the bus, it would have been a straightforward route via Bukit Timah, Dunearn Road and Newton down to Orchard. I felt like I was forced to travel through the entire northwest unnecessarily to get to Orchard.

Although honestly, I'd have probably been later if I had taken the bus because freaks come out to play near Christmas on a Friday night and traffic jam is really not fun so I chose to travel by MRT that night.

Couldn't find the damn exit when I got to Somerset. I haven't been on the MRT for at least 2 years and man, they have these new stations now and then all these different exits within a station. I felt like I was in a maze, trying to find my way out.

Anyhoo, I got to ICB in one drenched piece because it rained.

(How cool is that huh? Good going Mother Nature!)

I met Candice and friends in Stellar Bar. Couldn't wait to guzzle down my beer after what I've been through. Three gulps later, I table-hopped to where Gabby, Adrian and Caleb were sitting. I saw the birthday boy hounded by his pals and waited a mo before I intervened to wish him a happy birthday.

Later in the night, I saw C. When our eyes met, I realised how long it had been. I miss him kinda in a some sorta way..... he had a faraway look in his eyes and I just hope everything is alright with him. The grand schemer didn't orchestrate for us to be in each other's lives even though we're such similar personalities. Life can be weird and sad like that. Wish I could sit him down and exchange stories one day but for now, we've quite gone to pot.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

The group with Candice and the one with Gabby cannot be more different. We talked about different stuff, cracked different jokes and I know my limits with both. They are both my friends but they are really different people who bring out a different side of me. It's quite interesting really and I cannot say I enjoyed myself more at one table than the other.

They couldn't get along though and that is what I found amusing. Gabby hates Candice's aloofness whereas Candice hates Gabby's guts. But hey, as always, alcohol brings people together and by the end of the night, they were chattering like good friends at the same table while I stood at the side smiling at this scene I doubt I'd ever see again.

I was buzzing after the beer, vodka redbull, long island tea and JD coke and it was definitely a better state to be in than drunk. Got a ride home from Gabby and Adrian (and I'm appreciative because they live all the way in the East). When I got home, I called J only to end up falling asleep at the end of the phone.

I hope Andrew had a smashing birthday and I hope his hangover wasn't a bitch. I wish I had participated more in his celebration but he had all his good pals with him and I'm unfortunately no longer in his close circle.

He was my best friend. For some short years.

And I took comfort in knowing that.

Happy Birthday Andrew Ho.



'Those good times. That's just you and me. Circumstances can drive a wedge between us but these memories, noone can rip apart or take away. Take comfort in that.' - Me

Untitled

She walked out of her room with a cellphone clutched tightly in her hand. She flipped it open and began jabbing at the keypad.

After she was done, she smacked her cellphone shut.

'I am such a liar' she smirked.

Well, you gotta do what you've gotta do.

Sometimes, an apology is as worthless as the person it came from.

I saw Saw

Well, we saw Saw. I suggested that we see Saw. Haha.......cracks me up all the time.

Saw 2 to be correct.

Great film though I could do with less gore. It was horrible. I had to keep my fingers to my ears through half of the show. Can't they shoot anybody to death anymore? It was a torture fest, I tell you. Not a pretty way to go for most of them. I'd rather bite my tongue and die. Honest.

The show held my attention at least and I didn't touch most of the popcorn Sean bought. He didn't like the show and so directed his attention to the large box of popcorn between us. He didn't know what it was all about (he missed Saw). So I explained the general idea of Saw to him over a couple of Jim Beam and Vodka-green-shit after the film.

Then we started talking about crap like relationships (what's the point, I could never get anyone to see my point of view on that wretched topic). Have to say though, I saw his side of things and it did make me think a little. Also shared a couple of my views on other random topics with him and got his jaded mind thinking.

He told me I'm so different from all the girls he's met and the word 'special' never left his lips for long. Well, experiences force you to grow up I guess and everything fairy taley about life gradually fades away after a certain age. It's a bummer, I know, but life is a big fat bummer. You either face up to it or live in denial.

Sean : Do you drink everyday?
Me: Almost
Sean: You should stop.
Me: And why's that?
Me: Coz it'd ruin my health?
Sean: Uh huh
Me: And?
Sean: You might die.
Me: And?
Sean: Huh?
Me: What makes you think that's a worse option than living?
Sean: Well, I don't know....
Me: Alright, like I always say, when I find a reason to stop drinking, I will.

I'm turning all my friends alcoholic I tell ya. He's already blaming me for his impending beer belly.

We shared so much tonight. Past came back. Mine and his. We kept silent for a bit, lost in our own nostalgia (yucks, I've turned into a cheddar).

He sent me home a while after that because he has a job to go to tomorrow.

When I got home, I received a message from him.

'I really hope one day we could lie side by side in an open space and talk till we fall asleep. That'd be sweet'

Looks like he's the bigger piece of cheddar.

But seriously, it's a wonderful feeling to know someone enjoys what you have got to say.

I dislike:

1) People stating the obvious loudly while watching a film like they are so smart (ie: 'he's going to die')
2) Coming home and have my mom go 'You drank alot tonight' after I had only one bottle.
3) Chatting with idiots on MSN
4) Melted ice cream
5) People probing about my life when I've already displayed an unwillingness to talk about certain things