Sometimes. I. Sigh.

I am an idiot.

Although I was recovering from a mighty hangover, it was no excuse.

Although I had only 4 hours of sleep, it was no excuse.

Although I was giddy from exhaustion, it was no excuse.

Although I had a 'large' and then a 'small' ice lemon tea which was, by the way, sickeningly sweet, it was no excuse (sugar rush.....doink).

Although I didn't move much in that 6 hours, it was no excuse.

Although [very] knowledgeable Mel fed me with 432542546564 useless/ful facts and information, it was no excuse.

My brain could've and should've worked.

So, there I was, happily chatting with Mel on MSN. He politely and sweetly asked me for a morning call at 9ish in the a.m (hello, it was 5am when we exchanged goodnights, wha...???). Of course I knew it wasn't obligatory but I also knew it's Mel.

ME: Ur cell?
HIM: Yes, cell.

I got up early and was raring to go. I reached for my handset and.

Right. I need numbers. Which ones? And in what order?

Yes, he did text me last night and I should have his number.

But I also have the habit of deleting messages right after reading them. Ergo, numbers go too.

I remember scribbling his number on a piece of paper once.

And then I remembered that the piece of paper is lying somewhere. In my UK apartment.

I slapped my forehead with the handset and attempted to telepathically nudge him from his sleep.

Suspecting that might not work, I tried dialling 8 numbers I hope are the right ones from memory.

It rang but noone picked it up.

I hope that a 'missed call' would absolve me a tad. Provided it was the right combination of numbers in the first place.

I can only wait now for Mel to come online.

And I can only hope it's not something important he has to wake up for.

I am a dolt, I tell ya.

UPDATE: I called the wrong number. Pffft.

The Nerve

I used to respect you. What happened? I've always wanted to know what happened. But it's been tough trying to peel the bitch off your back long enough to ask you and to get a response from you.

I won't go into what you've done for, told, advised, sacrificed for me. Neither will I dwell on the times we've had nor reminisce about the stuff we've experienced as a tag-team. Coz you probably have got her nipples drilled too far into both ears to listen nyways.

All I can tell you is how disappointed I am with you. You really let me down.

There is no excuse for what you've become.

A lesser man. That is what you are now.

I've tolerated the pussy-whipped wimp she's turned you into for so long.

What happened tonight did it for me.

Congratulations. You have officially lost my respect for you as a man and as a friend.

Lose the ball and chain. Grow some balls.

Bitch

Ok, this post is gonna be nasty.

I am royally ticked off.

I may have gotten the whole situation wrong but I don't care. I know I am cheesed off now and I know I'm gonna talk about it.

Haha. I just typed and deleted a paragraph I wrote earlier because of some really nasty and obvious terms used to describe the people I wanna talk about. That may be a tad uncalled for. I mean, she might not be as skanky a bitch as I think she is.

Ok, I've decided not to post an entry about what happened. Coz I figured if I could bitchslap her, I'd rather do it in person. Not on an online journal.

RMH

Just got home from a lovely night out with Mel.

It was 13 years ago when I last met up with him.

It was good.

Damn, it was good.

6 hours non-stop yakking. No awkward silences. Hell, the pauses didn't last longer than 5 seconds!

Thank you Mel.

Do it again?

Omigoshymi

Hell. Just realised I've been bloggin' about the affairs of the heart so much my journal might as well have been pink.

Ew.

Can't blame me, I've been bitten by the romance bug recently.

But with the bug now dead and squashed, hopefully I can regain myself.

I am so sorry to put everyone through that.

We fall once in a while, don't we?

Argh

Thou shalt not drink and make merry at the same time. Thou shalt not!

Reminding myself that is like beating a dead horse.

So, I'm glad my babe had a good time. And I'm glad I was with her. =D

Let's Be Friends?

It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable being friends.

It was weird at the start coz of the abrupt need to switch mode which is something I find extremely pretentious and difficult to do. Especially when I was given the instruction to via SMS which I found incredibly distasteful. I mean, I'm sure I deserved more than just a lousy limpdick excuse cowardly communicated via the weakest medium possible. Makes one wonder what one is worth.

But.

Do I really need/want/deserve such a friend? Friends do not mind-fuck. They do not disregard you (makes me wonder about my friendship with W now).

Just any Tom, Dick and Harry will not do.

Unless he is happy being an acquaintance. A has-been, never-will-be. I think being civilised is the most I can give him right now.

Friends are like lovers. You still have a right to choose. And you should always also have a set of criteria. You don't think just anyone can be my lover, so why think just anyone can be my friend? I hope people stop misusing that F[riend] word.

You form friendships just like you would relationships and if that person does not cut it or is not cutting it, he just would not be chosen or he'd get dumped.

I choose my friends and my friends know that. And that's what makes them special. That's what separates them from 'acquaintances'. I love my friends dearly in different ways. Friends are as important to me as a partner/lover/boyfriend is.

So don't 'we are still good friends' me. Coz I might not want you as a friend. Who died and gave you the right to decide?

Agreeing to be your lover does not equate to agreeing to be your friend. You might be a good lover but a horrible friend.

People should offer their friendship. They shouldn't decide on the friendship. Especially not unilaterally. Makin' sense?

Had he treated us with more sincerity from the start, was more honest and less abrupt, things would've been different. We'd probably be good friends.

But hey, we were strangers a week ago. And life was good then. We didn't need each other then and we surely do not need each other now.

Somehow, I've got a feeling he won't be beating himself up over this lost friendship.

It was short. Too short.

Too short to matter.

And no, I don't think I made it as his favorite mistake.

Apologies

Apologies to those misfortuned enough to stumble upon my last post which has since been deleted.

It was incoherent blabbering and although was directed at someone, failed to prove its point. Plus, posting an entry while intoxicated is never a very wise thing.

I decided (being sober helps) this afternoon, together with my hangover, that I do not feel enough for that person to warrant such a post.

I realise I didn't feel as bitter as I had hoped. I wasn't as upset as I tried to be.

I felt nothing.

And then I knew.

Such sweet sorrow.

He wasn't on my mind the moment I stepped into The Living Room. Actually, he wasn't on my mind even before we got to The Living Room.

The last time he was on my mind, I was looking at him.

When I left him, so did he leave me.

And it was all good.

I Cannot Love

This is hilarious. This was written 4 days ago. It was drafted and I decided to publish it just for the heck of it.

'Can someone tell me the answer? Can someone tell me what to do? Can someone not leave things up to me?

I am so tired of making the wrong decisions in life.

My heart and mind are and forever will be at odds with each other. How do I get them to get along?

Maybe I should explain. I found out a few years back I suffer from the inability to love. I don't know how. I just do not feel deep enough for anyone to love them. Even when I did feel deeply, it's mostly temporary.

It can be so unfair. I envy friends who have/had a 'love of their life'. I can only look on and wish I had their nostalgia.

'Which boyfriend did you love most?' I always get asked. I'd have to pretend to have had 'that one relationship' and would inevitably mumble the name of the ex I was with the longest. But truth be told, I didn't love him. Although it took me a good few years to realise that. He is still the one I was most passionate about though.

I want to love. I want to be able to tell of 'the one who got away, the love of my life'.

Unfortunately, it's too hard.

I remember someone once screamed at me in tears 'If you cannot love, can you please stop getting into relationships?! It's evil! I hate you so much!'

Needless to say, I didn't mean for things to turn out this way.

If I knew how love felt, maybe I would've known better and steered clear of relationships. But I always think I am in love until it's too late.

So right now, I am lost.

He's on my mind but not in my heart. He's in my heart but not on my mind. Who do I love? Do you know? Because I don't.

I need to make an important decision, yet I cannot go to the one closest to me.

Can someone be so close and so distant at the same time?

What am I feeling? How do I feel? How is it possible I not know?

Is he more important or am I?

It's miserable not to love. It's so painful hurting people you care about.

Those of you in love/who have been in love, you don't know how lucky you are. I wish I could too.

Bummer.'

To Dump Or Not To Dump?

Is it better to be dumped or to dump? Common sense sides with the latter but I think the former could be easily persuaded too.

We all know the pain of being dumped (don't lie you don't!). I do not have to get into that. The pain of breakin' routines, not bein' able to see the one you think you love, the memories, getting used to being alone, seein' your ex sunshine with someone else, blah. Does that mean dumping someone is less painful?

Not necessarily. Sometimes it is more painful. It really depends. But it definitely is wrong to say that it's always painless and always a better option than being dumped.

Pros of being dumped:

1. You don't have a choice. It helps you move on in life knowing there is nothing you can do about the situation. Yes it's unfair but c'mon, so is everything else and you deal with them too, don't you?

2. You wouldn't curse yourself 2 months down the road when you see your ex sugarpoop walk down the street looking infinity-times better and with someone who looks infinity-times better than yourself. In short, you wouldn't have to live with 'Did I make a mistake?'. There is no place for regrets.

3. If you have been a super partner, at least you know you have done your best and it obviously wasn't enough. At least you know.

4. All you need to deal with is your feelings. You don't need to deal with the other party's as well.
5. It motivates you to become better in every way.

6. You know you're letting go of someone who cannot accept you the way you are or the relationship the way it is. Instead of someone who could really be the only living person who would love you.

There are more pros of being dumped but I suddenly feel too sleepy to type on.

Damn. Lemme just state that the cons of dumping someone are the opposite of the abovementioned. I might clean this post up real good when the Sandman stops peppering sleeping dust on me.

I am so sleeeeee/3 ceffffffffffffffffff n bmmmm

Feelings

Confusion. Hurt. Regret. Guilt. Helplessness. Sorrow.

Hold me.

I See Myself

The best friend told me I've changed. All those years in Britain did something for me. She said I am now happier, more mature, more considerate, less self-centred and other positive mentions.

I asked her how different I was. What kinda person was I before I boarded the first plane for Britain?

She gave me a few examples but basically that I was not a happy person. Darkly negative with an obscene amount of paranoia towards my fellow human beings. I hated everyone and if there was a dark side, I'd probably not only have joined it but ruled it.

I remember once when a colleague offered me a biscuit at tea, I took a step back, looked at the biscuit as if my colleague's hand was disintergrating from the amount of poison seeping out the pores of that evil snack and snapped 'WHY?'. She looked at me confused with a hint of misguided guilt. I was convinced she was out to harm me. With a biscuit.

I never trusted anyone and I curse those who made me the person I was.

Nyways, I knew all these but didn't realise it was that noticeable. Especially didn't expect the best friend to have caught on because I always try to wear a smile for her when we meet. It must have been that bad.

Things apparently changed when I went over to the UK. I had the worst period of my life (probably) there but at the same time, met someone who would change me. He really was and still is my other leg, my other hand. I need him. I never could've been happy without him. He regained for everyone my trust. I trust him with my life in return.

Because of this, it makes me wonder about the kind of person I am now. How I could do the things I do. How ungrateful I can be to the person who changed me. A change so obvious even the best friend pause and smile more now when we meet.

Do you sometimes wonder what kinda person you are? When you needn't lie to the person who asked you?

Why? Is it because I am still self-centred? Still the same afterall? If not, why?

What kind of person am I? Do I have an excuse? Is it good enough? Good enough in my eyes or his?

Coming back and without him now, I'd probably get back to how I was before. But the difference now is, at least I was happy once and I was a 'good' person.

I'm sorry. Sorry for not being able to stay the same.

Or have I always been the same?

A Crazy Night

'Telling you to settle down is an exercise in futility -- so here's the plan: Anyone who tries to calm you down or dampen your enthusiasm just has to be temporarily ignored. No apologies, either.' - this is my forecast for today.

Funny how true such nonsense can be sometimes.

Especially after the crazy night I had last night.

Hahaha. I can only laugh.