HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Oh dear, I seem to only post on my birthdays.

I need to stop doing this. But September 17 is just such a beautiful day. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. I LOVE ME ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL - ME

It's that time of the year again. I am another year older as usual but this particular birthday is especially traumatising for me.

I've reached the age of no return. Where everything is too late and where wrongs can never be righted. This is also the age when you start losing everything you've ever had and when nobody really gives a shit about you anymore. Sad but always true. It's hard to articulate what I'm trying to say here but I think some of you know what I mean.

Well, at least I'd be taken to a nice Michelin-rated restaurant (Clos Maggiore) where I've been promised king scallops and lobster!

Bummer is, I'd have to really dress up tonight because of the silly dress-code. Well, it's afterall an upmarket restaurant right smack in Central London.

I HATE DRESSING UP.

Alrighty, gotta go take my bath now. Will update in another century!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. WHEE.

MY BLANK CANVAS OF LOVE

God loves me! And He proved it again by showering me with lotsa white fluffy love!

SNOW!

It is snowing heavily outside. So heavily I couldn't walk properly with both feet buried in snow half the time when I went outside at 6am!! It's such a lovely sight, creating an almost picturesque view of my otherwise boring and sometimes dirty neighbourhood. BEAUTIFUL.

J and I went out for an hour of snowball fight! We also made a snowman but it turned out kinda deformed. Well, I was happy anyways coz I went ahead and smashed that piece of art with my fist!

I know I haven't been updating but so much happened in the past few months I couldn't find my head to write. I went to Paris and Japan, spending Christmas and New Year's in Japan. We wanted a white Christmas but unfortunately the only snow we got in Nagano (Japan) were piles of half-hearted attempts on the ground here and there. It was disappointing and I was whining so much about it I think God got my message.

The trip to Paris was to visit my cousin and her family. I had a smashing time there, obsessing over my new Godson/nephew Tobias. And yes, that is his picture up there. I would've preferred his picture somewhere in this paragraph but uploading pictures onto my journal is still something beyond my ken.

The Japan trip was so good I was reluctant to head home. We went to visit J's relatives in Fukui and Chiba, then stopped at Tokyo and Nagano for around a week. Too short a period of time to really see Japan but I loved what I saw anyways. I'm not going to go on and on about what's so cool and great about Japan because that is not what this journal is about and also because I, myself, get mad bored when I read journals going on and on about someone's travels overseas. All I can say is, I miss the strawberry shortcake in Japan and I wonder why we can't have a decent, simple strawberry cake in the UK. It's like most cakes here have been transformed into some kinda cheese version and that cheeses me off! You have Blueberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Cheesecake, Vanilla Cheesecake, Chocolate Cheesecake, the original versions (just a plain simple one) now belong to the past. And that is very sad.

I promise to make more than this sorry effort to update my journal but I'm gonna be busy with house-hunting and also planning a trip to Scotland/Ireland. We had wanted to go to Paris again (to stock up on our foie gras) but spending Valentine's Day in Paris is as cliche as proposing on the Eiffel Tower so we decided against it. Italy was our second choice but I decided to leave that to when J can take more time off work. So it came down to Scotland/Ireland instead.

I'm now gonna go watch the snow fall through my window. B.L.I.S.S

'It's a travesty to be sleeping when you know it's snowing outside' - Me to J

Strength

A conversation a minute ago:

Someone says:
yes you will

Sha says:
I am such a wuss

Sha says:
ARGHH

Someone says:
it's ok

Someone says:
Better now than later right?

Sha says:
I haven't had this feeling in a long long while..... so it's kinda nice in a sick way.

Sha says:
Every heartbreak is beautiful.

Someone says:
you amaze me

Sha says:
In a good way I hope

Someone says:
always

I am in red and my friend's in blue.

They know me as strong and so I refuse to be otherwise. I was a tad careless this time and it smacked me in the face. I thought I had one over the situation but it backfired so I'm sweeping up the pieces.

Wanna know the whole story or just bits and pieces of my pain?

Sucker-punched!

Never twice.

A Buttmunch Speaks

Ayla says (14:03):
and some are actually quite stupid looking in a way. there's this woman who always birng a dog ard near my plce n it runs n runs n it looks so funny i always burst into laffter n run to a corner n laff (sounds like a psycho to me - not the dog nor its owner mind you)
Ayla says (14:03):
hees (is that supposed to be some kinda cute laugh?)
Ayla says (14:04):
maybe partly cos it has somthing to prevent its mouth from opening
Ayla says (14:04):
yeah
Ayla says (14:04):
heh
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:07):
You are weird.
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:07):
That's called a muzzle.
Ayla says (14:07):
heh ok
Ayla says (14:08):
its really funy man (learn to spell, buttmunch! I already corrected his spelling on top. He had 'fuy' instead of 'funny' and the spelling was so grotesque I had to change it or risk readers not understanding it at all)
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:08):
omg, that's funny? Lousy sense of humor eh?
Ayla says (14:09):
yeah its the whole picture, the face the cramp mouth cant open n the speed at which it was running (man, this guy needs to get out more)
Ayla says (14:09):
its like runing at 50kmh an hour (I'm sure only he will know)
Ayla says (14:09):
with the mouth cramp like that
Ayla says (14:10):
other pple juz give funy look i juz laff. i dun like to conform n everything also muz supress for what (right, by laughing at something as mundane as a dog with a muzzle, he sure showed the conformists!)
Ayla says (14:10):
hees (one more time and I'd give you something to'hees' about!)
Ayla says (14:12):
anyway hows life for u goin?
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:13):
erm..ok (and that's the cue to stop talking to me)
Ayla says (14:14):
so when u returning to sg again?
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:16):
I don't know (hardly something I'd like him to know is it?)
Ayla says (14:17):
icic btw is it true that mixed breeds will be smarter than pure breeds? a fren of mine told me that
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:24):
not sure

This guy must be a pure breed then.

PS: All grammatical, punctuational, spelling and character flaws are Ayla's and Ayla's alone.

Have You Tried Your Best?

When and how do I know that my best is really my best?

How much should we try before we know it's the best?

Till we fall down and die?

What if you feel you've already tried your best and then you worry that you haven't? Which is the truth? So, have you tried your best?

Who draws the line?

Is it all about perceptions? If so, whose?

So Pissed I Can't Think of a Smart Title

I am so fuckin' pissed off with J right now. But not enough to not digress, so let me.

So many things happened and I intend to journal them down but not now because I just got into London and I'm tired and pissed. Suffice to say, my life has been one whole big mess of extremely bad timings.

Ok, back to J. I could bitch on and on but let me summarise.

I got back to the apartment less than 10 hours ago and I found:

1) The place in a huge mess. Walking around in the apartment became a challenge.
2) The place dirty and dusty (J had to make me wait outside the apartment for 10 minutes while he hoovered up)
3) The gas and water heater not working. Great! You do know it's winter in England, don't you?
4) The light bulb not only blown out but the whole physical light bulb lost its ability to screw on and so hits the floor everytime J tries to screw it on
5) That there was no more toilet rolls and J conveniently neglected to buy any.
6) That there was no more food in the fridge.

FUCK. I can't trust him to even keep the apartment in proper working order!

'How the fuck did I manage to keep light bulbs screwed on all these years??!' I screamed when he insisted it was chance which caused the apartment and the things in it to fall apart.

'Well, you have been lucky' was his sorry ass reply.

Yea, I am supposed to buy that. That the damn freaking water and gas heater broke down at exactly the same time light bulbs decided to abruptly drop themselves. You know, for fun.

Someone, feel free to jump into my shoes.

One thing that drives me madder than I should be, is me leaving everything behind to come to a place just to either die of hypothermia or be killed by falling light bulbs.

This is so not worth it.

A moment of folly certainly brings a lifetime of regret.

PS: My eyes have been itching because everything has a coat of dust on them and I'm allergic to dust. Worst part? J knows this. AND. I can't wash my face or brush my teeth without screaming out in frozen agony. How would you like an icy cold shower on a freezing winter night?

Rant is over. Time to shiver.

Disappointment.

I am so disappointed with someone. So much it physically hurt.

Disappointment is a huge part of life. But this is seriously getting old.

Relapse

I had another episode this evening and it reduced my mom to tears. I hate to see her cry which was why I held it in till I thought she left the house to get her hair done. I was underneath my blankie when she flipped open it and caught me.

The worst part was, I couldn't answer her when she asked me why. I really do not know why and it breaks my heart to have to break hers.

It's so hard to have to deal with this alone. I have got no choice because noone believes a word I say. Or rather, noone gives a shit enough.

To friends of mine reading this. I am sorry I can't be the person you know in real life. For that, go to www___________________ (URL deleted because my picture is on that site).

Like I've mentioned before, this is a highly personal journal and this is the only place where noone's gonna pick on the things I say.

I do not wish to have to be happy in here. Please understand and if need be, leave me alone.

There is another journal I keep at www.alcowhore.blogspot.com which is less sombre. Maybe that'd be better to visit.

'Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.' - Someone