My Avant Garden

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2008-09-17T10:01:00.001+08:00

Oh dear, I seem to only post on my birthdays.

I need to stop doing this. But September 17 is just such a beautiful day. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. I LOVE ME ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL - ME

2007-09-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

It's that time of the year again. I am another year older as usual but this particular birthday is especially traumatising for me.

I've reached the age of no return. Where everything is too late and where wrongs can never be righted. This is also the age when you start losing everything you've ever had and when nobody really gives a shit about you anymore. Sad but always true. It's hard to articulate what I'm trying to say here but I think some of you know what I mean.

Well, at least I'd be taken to a nice Michelin-rated restaurant (Clos Maggiore) where I've been promised king scallops and lobster!

Bummer is, I'd have to really dress up tonight because of the silly dress-code. Well, it's afterall an upmarket restaurant right smack in Central London.

I HATE DRESSING UP.

Alrighty, gotta go take my bath now. Will update in another century!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. WHEE.

MY BLANK CANVAS OF LOVE

2007-02-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

God loves me! And He proved it again by showering me with lotsa white fluffy love!

SNOW!

It is snowing heavily outside. So heavily I couldn't walk properly with both feet buried in snow half the time when I went outside at 6am!! It's such a lovely sight, creating an almost picturesque view of my otherwise boring and sometimes dirty neighbourhood. BEAUTIFUL.

J and I went out for an hour of snowball fight! We also made a snowman but it turned out kinda deformed. Well, I was happy anyways coz I went ahead and smashed that piece of art with my fist!

I know I haven't been updating but so much happened in the past few months I couldn't find my head to write. I went to Paris and Japan, spending Christmas and New Year's in Japan. We wanted a white Christmas but unfortunately the only snow we got in Nagano (Japan) were piles of half-hearted attempts on the ground here and there. It was disappointing and I was whining so much about it I think God got my message.

The trip to Paris was to visit my cousin and her family. I had a smashing time there, obsessing over my new Godson/nephew Tobias. And yes, that is his picture up there. I would've preferred his picture somewhere in this paragraph but uploading pictures onto my journal is still something beyond my ken.

The Japan trip was so good I was reluctant to head home. We went to visit J's relatives in Fukui and Chiba, then stopped at Tokyo and Nagano for around a week. Too short a period of time to really see Japan but I loved what I saw anyways. I'm not going to go on and on about what's so cool and great about Japan because that is not what this journal is about and also because I, myself, get mad bored when I read journals going on and on about someone's travels overseas. All I can say is, I miss the strawberry shortcake in Japan and I wonder why we can't have a decent, simple strawberry cake in the UK. It's like most cakes here have been transformed into some kinda cheese version and that cheeses me off! You have Blueberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Cheesecake, Vanilla Cheesecake, Chocolate Cheesecake, the original versions (just a plain simple one) now belong to the past. And that is very sad.

I promise to make more than this sorry effort to update my journal but I'm gonna be busy with house-hunting and also planning a trip to Scotland/Ireland. We had wanted to go to Paris again (to stock up on our foie gras) but spending Valentine's Day in Paris is as cliche as proposing on the Eiffel Tower so we decided against it. Italy was our second choice but I decided to leave that to when J can take more time off work. So it came down to Scotland/Ireland instead.

I'm now gonna go watch the snow fall through my window. B.L.I.S.S

'It's a travesty to be sleeping when you know it's snowing outside' - Me to J

Strength

2006-11-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

A conversation a minute ago:

Someone says:
yes you will

Sha says:
I am such a wuss

Sha says:
ARGHH

Someone says:
it's ok

Someone says:
Better now than later right?

Sha says:
I haven't had this feeling in a long long while..... so it's kinda nice in a sick way.

Sha says:
Every heartbreak is beautiful.

Someone says:
you amaze me

Sha says:
In a good way I hope

Someone says:
always

I am in red and my friend's in blue.

They know me as strong and so I refuse to be otherwise. I was a tad careless this time and it smacked me in the face. I thought I had one over the situation but it backfired so I'm sweeping up the pieces.

Wanna know the whole story or just bits and pieces of my pain?

Sucker-punched!

Never twice.

A Buttmunch Speaks

2006-11-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

Ayla says (14:03):
and some are actually quite stupid looking in a way. there's this woman who always birng a dog ard near my plce n it runs n runs n it looks so funny i always burst into laffter n run to a corner n laff (sounds like a psycho to me - not the dog nor its owner mind you)
Ayla says (14:03):
hees (is that supposed to be some kinda cute laugh?)
Ayla says (14:04):
maybe partly cos it has somthing to prevent its mouth from opening
Ayla says (14:04):
yeah
Ayla says (14:04):
heh
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:07):
You are weird.
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:07):
That's called a muzzle.
Ayla says (14:07):
heh ok
Ayla says (14:08):
its really funy man (learn to spell, buttmunch! I already corrected his spelling on top. He had 'fuy' instead of 'funny' and the spelling was so grotesque I had to change it or risk readers not understanding it at all)
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:08):
omg, that's funny? Lousy sense of humor eh?
Ayla says (14:09):
yeah its the whole picture, the face the cramp mouth cant open n the speed at which it was running (man, this guy needs to get out more)
Ayla says (14:09):
its like runing at 50kmh an hour (I'm sure only he will know)
Ayla says (14:09):
with the mouth cramp like that
Ayla says (14:10):
other pple juz give funy look i juz laff. i dun like to conform n everything also muz supress for what (right, by laughing at something as mundane as a dog with a muzzle, he sure showed the conformists!)
Ayla says (14:10):
hees (one more time and I'd give you something to'hees' about!)
Ayla says (14:12):
anyway hows life for u goin?
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:13):
erm..ok (and that's the cue to stop talking to me)
Ayla says (14:14):
so when u returning to sg again?
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:16):
I don't know (hardly something I'd like him to know is it?)
Ayla says (14:17):
icic btw is it true that mixed breeds will be smarter than pure breeds? a fren of mine told me that
Sha: Whatever you are ready for is ready for you says (14:24):
not sure

This guy must be a pure breed then.

PS: All grammatical, punctuational, spelling and character flaws are Ayla's and Ayla's alone.

Have You Tried Your Best?

2006-11-06T03:45:00.000+08:00

When and how do I know that my best is really my best?

How much should we try before we know it's the best?

Till we fall down and die?

What if you feel you've already tried your best and then you worry that you haven't? Which is the truth? So, have you tried your best?

Who draws the line?

Is it all about perceptions? If so, whose?

So Pissed I Can't Think of a Smart Title

2006-11-06T03:20:00.000+08:00

I am so fuckin' pissed off with J right now. But not enough to not digress, so let me.

So many things happened and I intend to journal them down but not now because I just got into London and I'm tired and pissed. Suffice to say, my life has been one whole big mess of extremely bad timings.

Ok, back to J. I could bitch on and on but let me summarise.

I got back to the apartment less than 10 hours ago and I found:

1) The place in a huge mess. Walking around in the apartment became a challenge.
2) The place dirty and dusty (J had to make me wait outside the apartment for 10 minutes while he hoovered up)
3) The gas and water heater not working. Great! You do know it's winter in England, don't you?
4) The light bulb not only blown out but the whole physical light bulb lost its ability to screw on and so hits the floor everytime J tries to screw it on
5) That there was no more toilet rolls and J conveniently neglected to buy any.
6) That there was no more food in the fridge.

FUCK. I can't trust him to even keep the apartment in proper working order!

'How the fuck did I manage to keep light bulbs screwed on all these years??!' I screamed when he insisted it was chance which caused the apartment and the things in it to fall apart.

'Well, you have been lucky' was his sorry ass reply.

Yea, I am supposed to buy that. That the damn freaking water and gas heater broke down at exactly the same time light bulbs decided to abruptly drop themselves. You know, for fun.

Someone, feel free to jump into my shoes.

One thing that drives me madder than I should be, is me leaving everything behind to come to a place just to either die of hypothermia or be killed by falling light bulbs.

This is so not worth it.

A moment of folly certainly brings a lifetime of regret.

PS: My eyes have been itching because everything has a coat of dust on them and I'm allergic to dust. Worst part? J knows this. AND. I can't wash my face or brush my teeth without screaming out in frozen agony. How would you like an icy cold shower on a freezing winter night?

Rant is over. Time to shiver.

Disappointment.

2006-10-15T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am so disappointed with someone. So much it physically hurt.

Disappointment is a huge part of life. But this is seriously getting old.

Relapse

2006-10-15T21:04:00.000+08:00

I had another episode this evening and it reduced my mom to tears. I hate to see her cry which was why I held it in till I thought she left the house to get her hair done. I was underneath my blankie when she flipped open it and caught me.

The worst part was, I couldn't answer her when she asked me why. I really do not know why and it breaks my heart to have to break hers.

It's so hard to have to deal with this alone. I have got no choice because noone believes a word I say. Or rather, noone gives a shit enough.

To friends of mine reading this. I am sorry I can't be the person you know in real life. For that, go to www___________________ (URL deleted because my picture is on that site).

Like I've mentioned before, this is a highly personal journal and this is the only place where noone's gonna pick on the things I say.

I do not wish to have to be happy in here. Please understand and if need be, leave me alone.

There is another journal I keep at www.alcowhore.blogspot.com which is less sombre. Maybe that'd be better to visit.

'Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.' - Someone

And The Reality

2006-10-11T15:36:00.000+08:00

I regretted it immediately the moment I woke up.

My previous post was extremely insensitive, thoughtless and irresponsible.

And no, I do not feel that way as soon as the alcohol left my system.

He was just something different, the kinda attention I never got in a long long time. I do not have any feelings towards him nor do I want to be with him.

A trip to Italy is extremely exciting and I would love to go there on a holiday but it's another matter altogether if I were to settle down there permanently and become a citizen.

My heart still belongs to London, England. And I'd be back soon.

I hope you get what I mean.

And thanks for the roses.

Him

2006-10-11T03:58:00.000+08:00

I've been jaded by someone I used to trust.

'You want to prevent the death of the relationship' I said 'But you never cared about its health'

Today, I received a dozen white roses from someone who, I believe, really loves me. But is it too little too late?

I seem to have developed some feelings for someone else.

It's too early to say but if I were to imagine myself somewhere with somebody, it's not the one who sent me the roses. Rather, it's that person who sent me home tonight.

When I was with him tonight, I was hoping the night never ended. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why then did I feel that way?

Who do I want? I do not have the answer.

I just want someone who'd make me happy. For now. For whenever.

I do not care.

I just know I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

Update later. For now, I'm sloshed.

The World, a Sooty Black.

2006-10-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

I am so angry with so many people so many times I am starting to wonder if it is all even possible.

I feel so disconnected from everyone. They seem to be living life under a different manual. Everything is WRONG WRONG WRONG. I just don't get their logic or where they are coming from and they refuse to explain.

I am always the one told to let it slide while the rest of the monsters continue savaging me. This is ludicrous! They go on without an ounce of reason and I am the one who should be heading to hell. You tell me.

Shouldn't it be that the evil and wrong be flogged? Shouldn't it be that justice prevails? Since when did it switch around?

This is no longer making sense and the world gets scarier when all reasons and senses are lost. Suddenly, I don't know how to live anymore. I just don't.

I am starting to hate every single human being I see.

MY BIRTHDAY

2006-09-17T02:12:00.000+08:00

Mad rush on Saturday to get some shopping and my hair done.

I'd update this at a later time. I am feeling unwell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SWEET LI'L ME.

A Journalful of Stupids

2006-09-16T02:54:00.000+08:00

'Why are people so stupid?!!!' I screamed into the phone to a probably bored J. I often end my whining with that statement recently.

'You know what?' said he. 'You should set up a new page just to vent about stupid people you meet in your life. There seems to be plenty and you have all those material, why waste it?'

And it shall be done. Welcome to www.alcowhore.blogspot.com. A place to know the kinda sods I have to deal with on a nearly daily basis.

Disclaimer though: It might hurt your feelings because I could be writing about you. So if you wanna still be good friends with and have no resentment towards me, I'd advise you to just stick with this journal.

Read www.alcowhore.blogspot.com at your own risk, or ok, at the risk of our friendship.

J is pretty stupid himself and he has given me all rights to reprint his stupidity online. See? You can be stupid and be my friend. Just that I won't like you very much.

Tobias Paul Augustin Petit

2006-09-12T02:35:00.000+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO GLENDA AND CYRIL!!

Glenda's my cousin and she gave birth to a cutie on the 2nd September 2006 (Virgoans rule!!).

Little Tobias Paul Augustin Petit.

He is adorable and I can't wait to go to France to meet the happy family.

I'd have to go back to England first though and then probably make a trip to Paris with J. I need him to help me lug the truckloads of toys and clothes for my little nephew!

I am an aunt! Whoa!

I can't wait to see him. I am going for 'em cheeks.....

Will upload pictures of that angel .....when I erm.....know how to upload pictures.

PS: I am so bad I don't even know how to put my email address on this journal.

Cyber Cleanup

2006-09-09T13:21:00.000+08:00

I need to fix my journal. There're tons of posts still in drafts. I need to re-read my posts and delete some randomly. Just for the hell of it.

I haven't been faithful in updating. I didn't post about the MSG gig in Mean Fiddler, taking a picture with Michael Schenker, meeting Dizzy Reed (of GN'R fame) or even GN'R's concert in Wembley Arena (and how I missed the Dublin RDS GN'R concert). Everything was happening too quickly and I was just allowing myself to sap up these good memories.

I finally got to see Axl Rose in the flesh. I could've touched him as well for J and I were supposed to be on the backstage list but some skanky bitch took us off after a break-up with the frontman of GN'R's tribute band, a guy who is also our friend. And you know, Dizzy Reed would always stand on the side of and listen to someone with boobs. Frontman of his tribute band or not. Can't expect much from this remnant of the original line-up. You wouldn't see Pearl Jam or Metallica do something as disloyal as that.

In fact, I've got an interesting story to tell. Something ET might be interested in if only Dizzy Reed was famous enough. That, for another day.

So as usual, Mr Hangover paid a visit. I don't understand. I didn't drink that much last night. Just a jug and a pint. Which means a total of, I don't know, 5 pints? I suck now.

Anyways, I'd clean up my journal when I go back to England. For now, I'd just keep posting.

Pissed

2006-09-09T04:22:00.000+08:00

I just got back from a drinking session and I'm mad pissed.

You see, my best friend told me something. She informed that I have been pretty sarcastic to our mutual friend W two Fridays ago and implied I've offended that girl. When I asked her what I said that was so sarcastic, she couldn't give me anything.

Look. You don't say something you can't back up. How about I call you a slut but I can't find any reason or basis for that?

I told her, if I was really out of line, I'd apologise. But she couldn't tell me exactly how I've been out of line. Just that I was out of line.

SORRY. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I then called up the person involved and asked if I've offended her. She replied negatively. If the person involved didn't feel the pinch, who are you to feel it?

I hope people would monitor the trash coming out of their mouths. You have to be responsible for the crap you spew. Back it up or shut up.

I can't believe the losers I have floating around in my life.

God give me strength.

Holy Canceroony!

2006-08-30T16:26:00.000+08:00

Ok, these days I love analysing my dreams.

I dreamt I had cancer last night. And ...

Cancer

To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

Holy shit. Feeling like I'm wasting my life away is SPOT ON. Everyone who knows me can verify that.

To update, my foot is alot better. I can now walk, very slowly. My injury was worse than I first thought. I had been too grossed out to take a proper look at it before but I was forced to look at it while I was at the doctor's.

Man, the flesh on my ankle is gone too! So I had two fresh, raw open wounds. On my heel and on my ankle. Shit, my foot looked disgusting. Plus, my foot became all swollen and bruised 3 days after the accident. It was so swollen I couldn't see my ankle-bone. Took some anti-inflammatory pills and the swelling went down a tad. Now I can see my ankle-bone but it's kinda naked because I need to grow some flesh there back first.

Got a big night on Friday so I'm praying I can start walking properly again.

My mom was so cute. I told her the other day I might be going to a friend's place to watch DVDs. She said 'Are you sure you can make it with that foot?' I replied positively and she went on 'Is it only going to be you and that guy? Are his parents going to be around? Coz you know, you can't really run if anything happens to you...'. Right. My mom thinks all my friends wanna rape me when they ask me over to their place.

More dream analysis coming up. I know, I know but sock it!

Achilles Heel

2006-08-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

I got a literal Achilles' heel 2 nights ago.

Foot got caught in the wheel of Brandon's bike. Yes, while it was speeding down the road. My track shoe got removed up to half my foot. The flesh on my heel, gone.

It was blindingly painful. I was intoxicated and that helped buffer some of the pain (you know how alcohol increases your threshold for pain..). If I hadn't drank that night, I'd probably have passed out from the pain. Alcohol does good, sometimes.

We were around 2 minutes from my place when the mishap happened. I felt a sharp pain and next thing I knew, my shoe was nearly falling off my mutilated foot.

By the time we got home, I was woozy and about to faint. I couldn't comprehend what was going on and was feeling disoriented. I had to be supported off the bike and plonked onto the pavement.

Brandon pushed a piece of tissue against my bleeding wound and I was just trying to keep from fainting. We spent five minutes fussing over my foot before he escorted me to the lift. My heel couldn't touch the ground. I couldn't walk steadily and had to hobble and limp my way home.

Went to the doctor the next day but not before my mom nearly tore my head off (she never allowed me on bikes after one accident on one). This time was my bad because my mom constantly chimes 'No bikes' everytime before I leave the house. I hadn't listened to her and I paid for it.

I still kept my appointment with Max, although we went to his place for DVDs instead of the cinema for movies. The M brothers were really concerned about my foot and I felt like their little princess sister. Ah..... why the hell did I get sisters? Big EEW!

My foot is getting better although I still get intense pain now and then (especially the first few steps after rest). I still can't use my heel and I don't think I can for at least another 3 days. I have to go back to the doctor's on Monday.

One thing that disappointed me though. Brandon didn't ask about my foot at all since that night. In fact, I haven't heard from him since. It's not very nice of him is it? Well, if that's what it takes to know the friends we have, I guess it's kinda worth the pain.

No wait. No shit can be worth this much pain.

My Name is Sharky

2006-08-23T16:20:00.000+08:00

It's weird. I dreamt about a shark last night. One of my many nicknames is Sharky (from a good friend Debbie after I bit her countless times).

Shark

To see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

Hmm... it has to be right. I'm going through an emotional hurricane these days.

By the way, just so you know, I dream every single night. Some good, some bad but all liberating.

Also, there was a ....

Waterfall

To see a waterfall in your dream, is symbolic of letting go. You are releasing all those pent up emotions and negative feelings. The dream may also represent your goals and desires. In particular, if the waterfall is clear, then it represents revitalization and renewal.

To dream that you are at the bottom of the waterfall, suggests that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. You are experiencing difficulties in coping with your feelings.

I don't know but I am starting to believe this crap.

Losing Blood

2006-08-20T20:06:00.000+08:00

It would've been so easy if it was purely emotional. For I have mastered the trick emotionally. I have taught my heart how not to break. But how do you keep yourself from crying when your whole life hinged upon it?

My heart didn't break. My life got smashed into smithereens.

I dreamt I bled. And continued bleeding. This really cute guy (cute guys who are interested in me always only appear in my dreams) came to my aid. I was wearing a white dress and the blood soaked it a crimson red.

'I'd call you in 12 days'. He had told me in my dream. 'And you must stop bleeding.'

When I woke up, I wept because I realised that guy does not exist.

'Please remember to call me' I whispered in desperation amidst streams of tears.

Dreams are my only form of release. I am always happy in my dreams. Even if I am having a nightmare. When I wake up, I scream. There is noone to hear me because I am always alone at home.

Dreams give you hope. False hope but still hope. Hope that he'd call in 12 days.
Waking up smashes that hope. Reality mocks you in your face. Noone would call in 12 days. A present from reality.

There is this barrier between me and the place I should really be at. The people I should really be with. Everyone in my dreams love me. They can't wait to see me every night. I hate to return to this hell hole everytime my dog barks.

Blood. Let's see what it says.

Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

I am so tired. Emotionally drained is an understatement. Wouldn't it be swell to wake up only to find that you're in your dreams permanently?

Have you ever felt so tired you can't find a word to describe it?

I wonder if anyone ever felt this exhaustion I am feeling.

I can't wait to go to sleep. It's the only thing I look forward to these days. Waking up can be a fat-assed bitch though.

How do you not wake up?

I Noo [dles] It!

2006-08-16T16:08:00.000+08:00

I dreamt I had spaghetti last night. With quite a few meatballs.

As usual, I consulted a site on dream analysis.

Spaghetti

To see or eat spaghetti in your dream, indicates that you are feeling entangled in some messy relationship. Perhaps you are not sure how to end a relationship or situation. You may find yourself in an uncomfortable position.

Holy Macaroni! And I suppose 'em meatballs symbolise chunks of lardy, stinkin' unhealthiness.

Aside from 2002, this has got to be one of the worst periods in my life.

But damn, those spags were yummy!

World Cup Prophecy

2006-07-05T03:51:00.000+08:00

Here I am, sitting here with my hair drenched from shower 5 minutes ago, watching the match between Italy and Germany on TV.

It suddenly struck me.

What an acquaintance told me 5 months ago came back to me like an unwanted ex at your doorstep.

'The World Cup is fixed' he said.

'NO!' I bellowed. I was still healing from knowing about the WWF being fixed. I didn't want to believe him.

'Sure it is' he continued. 'An European team sponsored by Nike or Adidas is going to win it'.

My heart sank because Argentina is South American.

'Brazil is not going to take the Cup this year?' I asked skeptically. They are hugely popular and a favorite of many. Not to mention the talents and skills on that team.

'Nope'. He was dead confident.

I brushed this conversation aside until just 4 minutes ago.

Man, that guy is on his way to being right! Spot on right.

All the teams left are European and they are sponsored by either Nike or Adidas (I am not sure about Italy but if Italy is not sponsored by either, they're going to lose anyways and so you shall see).

Let's see. Brazil is sponsored by Nike and Brazil won the last Cup. My guess is, the two giant sponsors have agreed to let each one have a go at the Cup so Adidas' team is going to win the Cup this year.

It's either France or Germany then.

BUT. Germany is the host country and therefore would look prettier with the Cup (France had their chance in 98 anyways remember?).

Germany is going to win World Cup 2006.

If this is true, I am approaching World Cup 2010 with a whole lot less enthusiasm.

No wonder referees and linesmen are always so biased. They have an agenda to fulfill.

Money talks big.

Germany Trip

2006-06-24T01:00:00.000+08:00

Friday night and I'd be in the sky on my way to Leipzig, Germany. It's amazing how close Germany is to England. The flight is less than 2 hours. J and I paid £250 for the tickets which I think is too much for a less-than-2-hours' journey.

We'd be catching Argentina's match with Mexico. For people who don't know me well enough, I am a huge Argentina fan. Been one since, well, more than a decade ago. I hope they win the World Cup in my lifetime. Dang.

It's stupefying how Axl Rose (my idol) is also a fan of Argentina! I didn't know that when I started supporting Argentina. Well, I always knew we shared more than good taste. ;) There is just something about Axl and I. Such coincidences are aplenty.

So, we'd be in Germany for a week. I was in Frankfurt during France '98. There was where I also saw the first fireflies in my life. In the dead of the night. It was beautiful. The company I was with was beautiful too. It's nice that I'm back in Europe for the World Cup.

We planned to visit Munich, Frankfurt or Dresden but time and finances couldn't permit. I guess that's fine. I heard Leipzig is cool enough to stay a whole week.

I will be back with updates!

Goodbye London!

PS: I absolutely abhor Holland (World Cup-wise). I can't respect a team who plays dirty almost every match.

S.P.L.I.T

2006-06-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

I just do not have the motivation to update this journal. Although, as usual, I've got tons to say.

I've been away from home for slightly over a month now and I'm loving it! Missing my mom and Nike though. They still tug at my heart-strings every now and then. I can't stay completely detached with these strings on me. I hate that.

Mentally, I've had 2 episodes since I got here. One was so bad it freaked me to tears.

'I know you have multiple personalities but what happened earlier was way off! You just split. Into two. You were plain scary' J told me after I came out of the bathroom, oblivious to what happened just 20 minutes before.

I thought he was joking but J never was that creative.

Plus, marks don't lie.

Loyalty

2006-06-21T02:13:00.000+08:00

Loyalty. My Achilles' heel.

'Sharon, your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in Loyalty.

In other words, your uncompromisingly loyal nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings. For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can connect on a meaningful level with friends, family, and others in your community. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in loyalty and the range of emotions it triggers.'

I knew it. I'm screwed.

The day when ass sucked

2006-06-09T10:16:00.000+08:00

Something sucks ass big time. In fact, I don't think ass has been sucked so hard. I'd let on more tomorrow when my mind is more sober.

In brief, I lost nearly £190 and I still DO NOT get to see Guns N' Roses. I mean, how spooky can this get? I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE IT TO ANY ONE OF THEIR GIGS! This blows. Especially so since I am their number one fan.

Someone ought to be shot and then savagely sodomised for this. And I happen to have her email address. Anyone fancy calling the shots on ole Karma's behalf? That bastard doesn't seem to be doing his job these days.

Fuck Karma. He's too busy sitting on his ass to bite some.

Survivor Review 3

2006-05-05T17:36:00.000+08:00

Holy Crap. Let us observe a minute's silence for the recently departed-from-Survivor Shane.

The sky turned black, smiles downturned into frowns, laughing kids started screaming and all rockers turned into popstars.

Watching Survivor without Shane in it is like being in a long term relationship.

All action and no passion.

I can't think of a worse way to end Survivor. One of the remaining 4 doofuses is going to be a millionaire. No wonder they say 'God Bless America'.

I must've jinxed it again.

I am such a jinx that whoever I support will go out. I supported Bruce and he got disqualified (what are the freakin chances of that?). So I supported Shane and he is out. I should start supporting Aras.

This is so typical. Happens all the time. Friends who know me always beg for me not to support whichever individual or teams they are supporting.

As a matter of fact, my ex boyfriend used to ask me which team I liked when there's a soccer match and he'd always bet on the other one. Worked all the time. He won so much money from this prediction it's not even funny.

It happens like magic. I would change my mind halfway through a match and watch the team I supported earlier take the crown.

But it wouldn't work if I don't sincerely support the team. Like someone knows, ya know?

I could pretend to support Aras now but it wouldn't work. I need to really want him to win.

Anyhoo, let us get back to the review.

My poor lovely Shane boy got blindsided and all I can say is that he trusted too much. If it were me, I'd talk to everyone in the tribe to find out if someone has been playing around behind my back. Of course I'd find a tactful and discreet way of doing that.

I have to say though. STUPID CIRIE. She is so focused on ruining Terry's plan she's got no idea she's just foiling her own.

What good does it do to bring either Danielle or Aras to the Final 3? None of them is going to take her to the Final 2 unless they are a product of their dad and his sister.

Even if one of them takes her, who is she most likely to win against? Shane/Courtney or Danielle/Aras? I think her ass is too big for her head now. I can betcha Cirie is going nowhere near the million.

====================================================================

So Survivor ended and damn, Aras won. I KNEW IT. Someone hates me. Wait. Everyone hates me! What am I on about?

WHY? WHY GIVE A MILLION DOLLARS TO THAT ARROGANT PRICK?! He was so sure he got it in the bag he didn't even pretend to look surprised. DICKHEAD. Someone laser that smirk off his face please! Argh.......

Good thing the million didn't go to Danielle though. That will be a waste of some good dough. She's probably just get more implants or something.

Ok, I can't be arsed to continue.

This must be the worst season of Survivor for me.

Bewildered

2006-04-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

And it continues.

I don't think anyone believes my house is haunted. Just because the spirit is a mild one and not ferocious enough to fling furniture off windows doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

We are still getting cuts on our bodies. My mom and I get these cuts in almost the same places (ie on our ankles, arms, etc). Recently, my mom freaked when she woke up with 3 long scratch marks down her upper arm. Those were definitely not Nike's because his paws didn't fit. And they were obvious as hell.

Remember I mentioned things disappearing and then re-appearing? Well, things like my toothbrush, tweezer, lotion and tongue-scraper would go missing. Everyone would swear they didn't touch them and then I'd find them a couple of days later. In different places. I cannot explain this.

Once, my mom passed me her cellphone and I left it on the coffee table. A few hours later, my mom wanted her cellphone back and there it was, on the coffee table but stripped of its fancy pouch. My mom insisted the cellphone was with the pouch when she handed it to me but I recalled otherwise. Nontheless, we searched the entire house for the pouch. It was mad-weird because it just couldn't be found. We searched EVERYWHERE. Even inside the washing machine and oven.

We gave up and my mom was resigned to getting a new pouch.

Couple of days later, I was seated at the coffee table, enjoying a snack. I thought I wanted a drink so made my way to the kitchen (I had to pass my dining room to get to the kitchen). I got myself a glass of hot water and then made my way back to the coffee table. When I was halfway there in the dining room, I saw the pouch. Right at my feet. In the middle of nowhere, on the floor in plain sight. I kid you not.

Does it even make sense?

I wouldn't fret as much if it was tucked in between couch cushions or tucked away in the drawers. But right there at my feet? How could we both have missed that? For that couple of days?

Tell me I'm just drunk.

Survivor Review Part 2

2006-04-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

I might as well go on, pissed or not.

So last night I had a Survivor discussion with Cody (my imaginary friend) and we both agreed that Courtney was still as high, Rash-boy still as cocky and Terry still as stupid.

Ok, Terry didn't give his immunity idol nor necklace away but he did something I would not have done. And that is to officially tell the rest he's going to win every immunity challenge there is from then.

This is both pointless and stupid.

Oh how nice it will be if stupid people are brought to the slaughter by the truckload!

I got wind of some Survivor news that made me depressed. Apparently, information on the indentity of the winner leaked (because the winner can't keep her -oops, did I reveal too much?- gap shut) so now I know who the winner is.

Dang. I hate this. That bitch! They should confiscate her prize money or throw her in jail for breach of contract.

I just lost my temporary will to review.

Survivor Review

2006-04-07T14:25:00.000+08:00

Ok, I'm gonna put the blues away for a while and replace them with red-hot frustration for this entry.

Anyone follows Survivor Panama?

Gosh, do I have a beef with Terry or what!

I usually keep my thoughts to myself when it comes to reality-TV programs.

I sobbed like a child berated when Brandon Bellinger and Gary Hogeboom got booted off Survivor Guatemala last season.

I wept a silent tear when Patrick Hall was first of 24 to leave American Idol.

I bashed my head in and ripped my hair off when Meredith and Gretchen got eliminated on The Amazing Race Season 7.

You get my drift.

Still I kept my silence.

But now.

Never have I felt THIS compelled to write about something I saw on TV.

WHAT THE HELL IS TERRY DOING?

I don't know what he is thinking. In fact, I don't even know if he is thinking.

1) Why did he tell the ex La Minians and Danielle about the immunity idol at this point (episode where Austin got voted off)? Pretty pointless eh?

If he had wanted to let anyone know about the immunity idol, he should have done it last week. Strategising with the immunity idol works better when you have more numbers on your side, don't you think? Why wait till he's lost Nick?
Terry should've used the immunity idol to save Nick last week (since he's got the immunity necklace for himself already), ergo booting out Shane (although I personally love Shane but since I'm supposed to be Terry now so....).
If Shane is out, the gap closes and Terry'd only need to flip one person from Casaya. Shane is one of the stronger key players on the other team. Without him, it's easy to flop anyone.
Booting Shane out also means that Nick would get on the jury (and Shane wouldn't). This surely would do Terry good, long-term. Especially since Terry used his immunity idol to save Nick. That's gonna score points with Nick as a jury member.
Terry's gotta remember the immunity idol only works once and he can't save himself with it every week. He should think ahead and keep numbers.

2) Why does Terry think it's easier to flip two people than one?

As mentioned, if Terry had used his immunity idol to save Nick last week, he would've lost the idol but maintained numbers. It'd be 4-5 in favor of Casaya but one of their 'leaders', Shane, would be gone. Flipping people becomes easier. Need only flip one.
No point in Terry using his immunity idol now to save Austin. He should've done it when the numbers are still not that down on his side.

3) Why would Terry think anyone would flop to his side based on his stupid logic?

Unless Terry thinks Bruce and Danielle have mashed potatoes for brains, surely he knows it wouldn't work.
So his game plan is to convince Bruce and Danielle that they are at the bottom in Casaya's pecking order, and? If Bruce and Danielle were to flop based on this logic that they're next on the chopping block, then they must be darn stupid (and they've proven they're not).
If Bruce and Danielle flopped, not only would they STILL be last in La Mina's pecking order, they would in fact be last in a team with a strong alliance!
Bruce and Danielle did the right thing by staying with Casaya. Given Casaya's volatile composition, it's anybody's game on that side. Flop to La Mina and they'd be guaranteed a space on the chopping block the next two weeks.
It would make more sense for Terry, in order to flop someone, to give a deluded picture of them having fair play in La Mina, which is already not possible because everyone knows how strong their alliance is.

4) Why didn't Terry think far enough to place Nick on the jury?

Who the hell knows? Instead of trying so hard to trade off his idol for numbers now that Nick is gone and Shane potentially on the jury, he should've done so the previous week and get Shane off. This way, Nick would be on the jury, to Terry's advantage, whether or not Nick leaves next. Shane would then not be on the jury.
Terry kept the idol but possibly lost a jury member. Stupid. The idol can only help him so much.

In conclusion, Terry made a fatal mistake in not giving up his immunity idol to Nick, keeping the gap closer. Because of this mistake, he should play on for himself now and not try to get numbers. The week of the merge was the best time to play numbers but it's useless now, having lost Nick.

Terry should now try to win immunity every week (which he's shown is possible) and hang on to the immunity idol for as long as is needed to keep him in the final four. So, I couldn't understand why he'd wanna trade his immunity idol this week for one more person to come over to his side. Or even to reveal he has the idol. Stupid stupid game move!

Bruce and Danielle should stick to Casaya, last in pecking order or not. This is the surest bet. Stay with Casaya and create discord amongst the volatile 'top four' or go to La Mina and be kicked out the next two weeks. There is NO WAY Bruce and Danielle could've broken the strong alliance in La Mina. More chances with breaking up the top four in Casaya.

So yes, Bruce and Danielle used a tad more of their gray matter than Terry did.

For the record, I am rooting for Bruce and Shane. I don't know why but I kinda like Shane even though everyone hates him. He reminds me a bit of myself. Just a BIT.

I hope Aras gets the crap out of the game or at least get crab. Hahaha. Ok, that was lame.

I hate Aras. I thought I couldn't find anyone I hated more than Courtney but Aras proved that anything can happen!

Just for anything's sake, I'm going to give my views on each one.

Shane: I like him. He is frank and brutally so but hey this is a game, not a pageant. Yes, he got pissed off alot but he got pissed off at things I would've got pissed off at. So I know where he is coming from. Go Shane!

Bruce: I like this guy too. Nice to people and works his hardest (which is not much but hey he is old, cut some slack!) Talks too much but so what? I'd rather have someone talk shit 24/7 than to have a cocky asshole waiting behind me with a knife.

Aras: Which brings us to Aras. Piece of cocky crap! He acts like he has the darn million in his bank account already. Calls the shot and then panics when he realises he doesn't have big enough balls to. See how he lost it when Courtney refused to vote with him thus yanking his head possibly to the chopping block? Wuss. He is nothing without the numbers. And see his smirk when Austin left? He smirks a bit too much for my liking. Think Bobby's exit. Sonofabitch! He should be disqualified just for being him.

Courtney: She behaves like a 10 year old on crack. She cannot shut up. And she is a fuckin drama queen. She might as well say a prayer for every damn blade of grass she tramples on. She should be disqualified for breathing (together with A-rash).

Danielle: I don't like her much. She has no mind of her own and she doesn't do anything around camp (okok, I'm taking Shane's word for it). Followed Courtney on a couple of bad voting decisions. Someone please remind her that she's not in sorority and that sisterhood doesn't do shit on Survivor.

Cirie: Why the fuck is she still around? Goes to show this is a sneaky one and she should be the one to watch out for. Everyone's busy trying to bring down the likes of Terry and Shane but this is the one who might just make it to the top. Not that I'd be pleased with it because I don't like her. Shit at challenges but I guess that's a good thing now. This girl is heartless and has no qualms voting anyone off. She is not a trustworthy ally but is liked by enough to possibly win this. Noone should go to Final 2 with her! Get rid of her as soon as possible. Shane's alliance is stupid enough to include her. Then again, I doubt she can complete the Final 3 challenge and noone is stupid enough to bring her to Final 2 because she is likeable, so hell, let's just keep her.

Sally: She is good at challenges and quite a nice girl but I still can't forgive her for Dan's departure. She should be gone! Poor Dan. Plus, she lost the spear and has yet to be punished for it. Spear = Fish = Food = Energy = Winning challenges. She caused La Mina to merge with an inferior headcount.

Terry: The biggest fool of them all. He had everything going for him but single-handedly destroyed his chances. Dumb ass. Only way out of this is to keep winning immunity challenges until the week before the final four (he could use his idol for that week). No point trying to fix up an alliance now. Too late. You snooze, you lose.

There is noone better to bring to the Final 2 than Shane. Noone likes him. It's an almost sure win to bring him. I would make a strong and solid Final 2 alliance with Shane. Together, we can decide how to slowly manipulate and use the rest until it's us left.

Bruce and Danielle were smart enough to not allow themselves to be used as mere pawns. If they flop, they would've been in a worse situation and still be at the bottom. It's stupid to let childish emotions get the better of one in this game. Thank goodness they both had sense.

'Oh, they put me at the bottom of the order, I'm mad and I'm flipping' - then you're really gone.

If you realise you are in the bottom of a pecking order, do something. Flip it enough so you end up on top of a new alliance.

Like I said, if I were Bruce or Danielle, I'd make a smaller alliance of two with Shane. We can fool the rest into thinking they are above me in the alliance of 6 and then vote them out one by one. Trick here is to convince Shane that I can be trusted and am weaker although telling him I want him in the Final 2 because noone likes him is going to be tricky.

I love Survivor. It's such a mad game. Mentally, psychologically and physically. No other reality-TV shows come close. Although I'm seldom pleased with the result. Dang.

I think I might review Survivor again next week. If I see something that pisses me off enough.

Faith No More

2006-04-06T17:01:00.000+08:00

Life is still as sorrowful and people are still as stupid.

I have got tons to write but this man biology calls my dad, hogs the PC no end. He needs to be surgically removed from the PC and the poor speakers he abuses on a daily basis.

This man plays online sermons at FULL, MAXIMUM volume every night. I can't hear the TV even when I'm seated right in front of it. That is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Ask him to tone it down (in fact, ask him to please do anything) and he will retort 'This is my apartment. I bought it. I can do whatever I like with it and in it'.

Money makes monsters out of human beings.

Ergo, I snap over the smallest thing. I cry for no reason. I scream at nothing.

I have a phobia for sermons now. I do not go to church anymore.

Ironically, my faith in God has been burned to crisps by the same man I tried so hard a decade ago to instill the same faith in.

I paid a huge price for his salvation - mine.

Still Bored

2006-03-27T14:45:00.000+08:00

I know I know, y'all probably can't care for these results but heck, I'm still fuckin' bored. My pooch's still napping, my mom went out, my imaginary friend is piss-drunk and the poltergeist went to get more knives.

Anyways.

What kinda Communication Style am I or some shite.

'Sharon, when talking to your partner, you're an Expressive.

This means that you tend to be a passionate partner who isn't at all shy about communicating what you're thinking and feeling to your significant other. It can be very important to you that your partner both hears your perspectives and understands where you're coming from. As a result, in your mind it's often best to talk about problems immediately, even if that discussion leads to a heated discussion. That's the fiery passion in you. Your convictions are important to you and you're willing to defend them fervently if need be.

Experts agree that for a couple to thrive, they must be able to communicate. People with compatible communication styles tend to bring out the best in one another because their approach to relationships is like-minded. But if you're with someone whose communication style clashes with yours, you're headed for more challenges than most.'

That doesn't help much when you ain't got noone to talk to.

Bored

2006-03-27T13:47:00.000+08:00

I'm mad bored right now coz my pooch is napping, my mom is on the phone, my imaginary friend went out to get booze and the poltergeist is probably somewhere sharpening knives.

So I did another test.

I have no idea what test I took. I just answered 'em questions and this is what I got.

'Sharon, you're a Type 5 - The Experimenter

Friends, family, and colleagues probably appreciate your probing intelligence and open-minded approach to life. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on to give them a carefully considered answer based on keen observations. As an Experimenter, you're likely to be seen as a capable and competent individual with a visionary outlook.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Renowned painter Georgia O'Keefe, with her reclusive nature and intense focus on her craft, and Albert Einstein, with his groundbreaking theorems and unprecedented view of the space-time continuum, were also Type 5s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of perception as well as a curious and innovative mind. In fact, like many Experimenters, you have a strong drive to understand how things work.'

Yea, I think too much and sometimes that makes my head hurt.

How True?

2006-03-27T13:06:00.000+08:00

Took a test 'What Kinda Girlfriend Are You?'.

And I thought the result would just say 'Psychotic'.

Guess not.

'Sharon, you're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.'

I don't think there is a definite 'result' for everyone. People evolve and their attitudes towards relationships change with time.

I know mine did.

Haunted House Saga

2006-03-26T19:17:00.000+08:00

And yea, I accidentally spotted another cut. This time, on my right ankle. It's not huge but it's still a distinct cut. Damn, if I bother to check myself properly, I wonder how slashed up I really am.

This little poltergeist sure loves his/her knives.

Oh, and things are disappearing and then reappearing around the house.

3 out of the 4 under this roof have fallen ill.

Just thought you'd like to know.

I hope that li'l bugger is happy. That bastard better leave my sweet Nike alone.

Nike does bark quite alot at the door these days. And of course, there'd always be noone there.

Oh well, if I can have an imaginary friend, I don't see why I can't have a ghost as another companion.

I just wish [s]he'd stop slashing me though.

Finally In Pieces.

2006-03-26T18:54:00.000+08:00

My heart is so broken. Into all 4673247 tiny pieces.

And I thought it could never again. But then it did. This afternoon. On a normal Sunday afternoon.

I received an email from a friend. A very special friend. There were two lines I kept staring at.

I stared hard at them whilst my heart took its time to break.

I stared hard at them for 17 long minutes.

I felt so helpless as I witnessed those two lines rip my world apart. I lived the moment.

It was so painful because I know what happened resulted from nothing I could've done or could do.

How could something be so out of your control and yet affects you to this extent?

This could be one of those regrets you hear people speak about when they grow old.

But how do you regret something you didn't have any control over?

I wonder if he knows.

I wonder what all that meant to him.

Haunted Thoughts

2006-03-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

A few posts back, I mentioned that my place may be haunted because people are falling over and knocking their heads on walls when really, they shouldn't be.

I forgot to mention that around 2 weeks after the initial incident [the one where I fell and knocked my head hard against the corner of a wall], I fell again in my yard. This time, I suffered a nasty cut on my foot and bled quite profusely.

I would've totally forgotten about this if not for what happened this morning.

I was brushing my teeth when I noticed it.

A slash across my wrist!

It wasn't deep enough to stitch but it was deep enough to bleed. I was dumbfounded. A cut right across my right wrist.

I ran out and told my sister and my mother who obviously preferred other reasons for the cut.

My sister blamed it on Nike, our pooch and my mom blamed it on the many bangles I have on my arm.

But.

If Nike scratched me, I would've known. I wouldn've felt it. If he did, he wouldn't have left just one prominent slash across my wrist. There'd be at least a couple of small scratches no? He hasn't learnt how to scratch with only one nail for cryin' out loud! Plus, he hadn't struggled at all when I carried him recently. And why only at my wrist?

If the slash was from my bangles [or one of them], then why only now? I've had those bangles on for months now and I've never had any scratches or marks from them before! Plus, there aren't any sharp parts on my bangles. It's just not possible.

Hell, ghost or no ghost, I am running a temperature. Bad throat and nastier nose. I hate falling ill. Eeerk.

They Are Ba-ack.

2006-03-18T13:19:00.000+08:00

Last night marked the fifth in a row.

They seemed to be back with a vengence. They were angrier, nastier and more unforgiving.

The nightmares are back.

I woke up in cold sweat five days in a row.

I didn't sleep long enough to conclude any one of them, thank God.

I've been forcing myself to stay up at night. I've been too scared to close my eyes.

But.

Today at 5am, I succumbed to the Sandman.

I wish I didn't.

I'm still scared.

The Reality When It's Over

2006-03-15T16:03:00.000+08:00

The most upsetting thing about a break-up is not that you're forever separated from this person you once loved. It is witnessing the true colors of this person you once loved.

Every time after a break-up, I feel more disappointment than any other emotions.

It's like as if there are only two lists to abide with. The 'She is my girlfriend' list and the 'She is not my girlfriend' list.

Surely if you've genuinely cared for a person as a person [and not solely as a partner], it doesn't stop once you're broken up?

Of course lines would and should be drawn. You no longer sleep with the person or you no longer make decisions based on being a couple. Still, the basic care and respect shouldn't be lost no?

I always believe 'You'd never know a person fully until you've broken up with them'. To them, it seems as if it is a must to hurt you as much as they can after a break-up. What's up with that?

That aside, I recently spoke to a friend through MSN and we were on one of my favorite topics - death/suicide.

Friend: 'Anyways, I don't know if you subscribe to the idea of reincarnation but if someone dies and tries to run away from their problems, they will have to go through the same shit again in their next life coz, well, they were meant to face them anyways.'

Me: 'I don't believe in reincarnation [it's the evilest idea ever]. I am inclined to believe that death is the end-all. All those people who killed themselves are probably laughing at how stupid we are right now, taking shit when we could've just ended things.'

I mean, we wouldn't know would we? Life is a gamble. So is death. If you trust that death (and whatever happens after) would be better than your current predicament, then so be it. Noone gave you a choice coming into this wretched world so the least you can have is a choice when to leave [of course God overrides that. God overrides everything].

I do not believe in reincarnation because I think it would take an extremely sadistic and evil being to make us go through this miserable existence they call life over and over and over again without an option to quit. Pretty scary thought huh? And I don't believe the One who made us can be so cruel.

[No offence to those who believe in reincarnation. This is MY view. If you have a mind of your own, you wouldn't be offended with what mine thinks].

There is NOTHING in life worth living for. And NOTHING in life worth coming back for.

Hell no.

I've always thought it unfair to be created against my will. The least that could be done is to totally annihilate my body and soul after I pass. I don't wanna go to Heaven. I don't wanna go to Hell. I want to be nothingness.

Sadly, not many religions give you that choice. It's so heartbreaking. It's either Heaven or Hell or come back for another round. And some of us didn't even wanna be around in the first place.

Life is too tough. Let's hope death gets a bit easier.

Love Secrets

2006-03-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt.

You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.

In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

SPOT ON.

Optimists Blow

2006-03-13T00:24:00.000+08:00

I hate patronising optimists!

I hope they take their 'Get Well Soon' cards and shove them up their disease-ridden asses.

If I hear another 'Cheer up!', 'Relax! Things are not that bad!', etc shite, I am going to slice them up nice and mutilate their insides.

SHUT UP ALREADY!

The next bastard to tell me 'your family will always love you no matter what' gets to live with my family.

Fuck you if you think you know.

Don't tell me what to think, how to feel or what to believe in.

I am not your 16 year old whining about how mommy never spend time with her anymore or how daddy wouldn't buy her that pretty dollhouse.

You know something is wrong when you fantasize about putting a gun to your father's temple.

NeuPsy

2006-03-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

Get away from me.
You scored 33 neuroses and 21 psychoses!

You are that person who keeps stalking me because you claim that I insulted you at that dinner party. You were wearing the centerpiece on your head and punching holes in my lawn with your stiletto heels, so I feel justified in telling you to get the fuck out of my house. I know that my friends feel sorry for you and continue to invite you around, but know that I do not share their compassion. Stay away or you'll hear from my lawyer.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 75% on neuroses
You scored higher than 75% on psychoses

Link: The Are you Neurotic or Psychotic Test written by chickennibbler on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Ok, I need to stop. I need to have my dinner at some point.

Now is good.

Chat Long Distance

2006-03-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

I was (still am really) chatting with this friend from London.

Him: So are you going to let up? What's wrong with you?

Me: I am part of a dysfunctional family. Why don't you marry me and get me out of it?

Him: Funny person.

Me: It could be funny or scary. You're positive.

Life is a bad deal. You do not have a choice coming into it and you have to leave it dead. Can't think of a worse deal than that. And yet, so many managed to find their short-lived reasons to live. They can have my hat.

The man who had me with my mother totally pissed me off last night. I stomped into the room where my mom was, in her own world as usual.

Me: I can't stand him! ARGHHHHH!

Mom: What choices do we have? I am stuck with him. 'Least you can still do something. Go get married and get out of here.

Me: You sayin' I should marry anyone just to get out of here?

Mom: I don't care what you do.

Don't y'all feel the love?

Psychos Have It Easy

2006-03-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

Category 2
You scored and 40 mental state!

Your teetering on the edge of insanity. Yes your crazy and you need help. However there's still hope! Still...stay the hell away from me!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 24% on mental state

Link: The Are you a Psycho? Test written by militarychicky on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Don't know why I've been doing such quizzes. Guess it's coz my mom couldn't and wouldn't bother getting me to a real psychiatrist. Like I always say 'The next time I wouldn't ask her to bring me to one, I'd show her'

The only way to happiness is to lose touch with reality.

Psychos have it easy.

I Am More Abnormal Than Normal

2006-03-12T16:00:00.000+08:00

You Are 60% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.

You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at high risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is very likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

I guess I've always known.

I am more abnormal than normal.

It's only a matter of time before I turn fully abnormal.

What's normal anyways?

So They Say

2006-03-08T19:13:00.000+08:00

I'm now guzzling my fourth can of Heiny. At 7.07pm in the evening.

I feel sick but I refuse to barf because I feel that if I do, I'd feel the pain again.

They say when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

They say that it can only get better.

They say that tomorrow will be better.

They say dreams come true.

They say that good things come to those who waits.

They say they know how it feels.

They say the pain will go away, eventually.

They say life is beautiful.

They say nothing is impossible.

They say it's all in the mind.

They say everything happens for a reason.

They say what can't kill you will only make you stronger.

They say you're not alone.

I say how much do they really know?

I say how many miles have they walked in my shoes?

I say how would they know?

I say how sure are they?

I know I fell and stayed fallen.

I know it hurt.

I know it never went away.

I know I waited in vain.

I know 'care' and 'love' are but pretty words.

I know I've cried.

I know I've tried.

I know I'm alone.

I know I'd always be.

I know things will never change.

I know I'd never find.

I know I'd never believe.

Now tell me, who's living the lie?

Noone gets out of life alive.

I'd rather live life knowing what it really is than to live life a lie.

The realities of life. That's the real scary thing.

I Refuse

2006-03-08T16:28:00.000+08:00

I refuse to allow money [or the lack of] determine my predicament.

I refuse to stand crippled without J's support.

I refuse to be somewhere I don't want to be.

I refuse to clean up after my dad 24/7.

I refuse to let anything run my life.

I refuse to be a victim of conservatism.

I refuse to live with people I can't stand.

I refuse to use dirty bathrooms.

I refuse to 'play it safe'.

I refuse to wait.

I refuse to tolerate.

I refuse to clean up coffee stains or whatever on the table, desk, floor, shower door handles, etc.

I refuse to react to people around me. They shall react to me.

I refuse to let emotions get the better of me.

I refuse to refill the toilet roll holders.

I refuse to put myself at a disadvantage.

I refuse to revolve my life around others'.

I refuse to clean my floor 8 times a day.

I refuse to love.

I refuse to see people I semi-love bullied.

I refuse to be bullied.

I refuse to have every electronic equipment in my house destroyed.

I refuse to have the speakers blasting at 4am when everyone's trying to sleep.

I refuse to let things go without a fight.

I refuse to let anyone rip me or my mom off.

I refuse to step on coffee powder or whatever my dad had for his meals.

I refuse to be weak.

I refuse to be part of a dysfunctional family.

I refuse to let anyone determine my worth.

I refuse to make an appointment just to use the PC or watch TV.

I refuse to believe I'm a loser and useless just because my dad tells me so.

I refuse to hurt.

I refuse to believe my mom when she says she no longer needs me.

I refuse to cry.

I refuse to give up.

I refuse to give my heart to anyone other than my poochie.

I refuse to get married.

I refuse to have children.

I refuse to dream about what I can't have.

I refuse a normal life.

I refuse to but would have to eventually accept that I cannot refuse what I want to refuse.

I'm fallen.

A Story To Tell

2006-03-08T15:41:00.000+08:00

I have a story to tell.

But I do not have the time because unfortunately (very very unfortunately) my dad sprung a nasty surprise on us today. He called and said he'd be coming home tonight.

I know!

Shit always hits the fan by the truckloads.

He thought it was very cute to let us know at the darn last minute. We thought it was extremely evil and totally uncalled for.

You should've seen my mom's reaction. I reacted the worst, of course, and was so close to jumping out the window.

'NOT FAIR!' I bellowed. 'He JUST left! I waited nearly two months for him to go! He can't just come back in less than one!!' I couldn't accept it. That 2 months I waited for his ass to leave were HELL. And I'm not exaggerating. H.E.L.L.

I didn't have time to prepare for it mentally and sunk right into depression.

My mom offered a word or two of consolation and we all concluded that there's really nothing we could do other than to win the lottery and get the fuck out of this place.

With the recent (yes, again) demise of J in my life, I didn't need this bullpoop.

I haven't had the time to grieve over the loss of a long-term relationship. And now I'm trashed back into living hell.

Somehow, my life has a way of ripping itself right apart and flinging its pieces in each and every direction.

'If you don't like a system, get out of it' - words forever etched in my memory by a guy who used to be the bestest friend I ever had, although he disappeared on me one day like all good things do....I digressed.

So I have decided to get out of it. I am making plans to do something so absurd, it makes getting a tattoo look like playing with Barbie dolls.

Sure, it's a risky thing I'm gonna do but hey, I'm someone with absolutely nothing to lose.

I've lost all I could.

If I can't survive, I die.

Just Because

2006-03-07T03:59:00.000+08:00

Just because I don't love him [I don't know for sure really. Who does?] doesn't mean I can't miss him.

Love is really too strong an emotion to have.

I still care about him though. That surely can't suffice.

Just got back into contact with a friend from high school [we lost contact for 12 whole years!]. Man, those memories.

She remarked 'You and your A**** P**.' Then she asked 'Oh my gosh, are you still with him??!'

The memories came flooding back and I realised I miss A too.

Later, I received an email from Yusuke and was brought back to those sweet days in Europe. I definitely miss that guy too.

This can't mean I love all 3 of them. Can it?

Confused Ramblings

2006-03-03T03:45:00.000+08:00

I've been mighty unhappy lately. I guess it's pretty obvious.

You can't feel good when you've hurt someone you care about so immensely.

If only there is something I could do.

If I told you I would be with you at the expense of my own happiness, would you let me?

If you said yes, could I really do it without a single ounce of resentment?

Where do we go from here? What am I going to do now?

Could you really be with someone who may never love you?

For those nursing a broken heart, let me tell you this. I would rather have my heart broken over and over than to have a heart that can never love [resulting in people I care about being really, really hurt]. You have no idea how lucky you are.

I'd never find out what you did.

My heart can only break

2006-03-03T03:29:00.000+08:00

WHY CANNOT I FALL IN LOVE?

What's the trick in falling in love? Why must it be so difficult?

Those who've been with someone for more than 3 years, please answer my questions.

How do you not get sick of that same one person?

Is it true that if you've found the right one, everything would fall into place and you would never get sick or bored of them?

The inability to fall in love is like an illness. It's sad but there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's an illness! It must be! And we can't help falling ill can we?

Think impotency. Try as you might, you can never get certain parts to function. It gets exasperating and frustrating. It breaks you inside out and there is nothing you can do about it.

My heart cannot function. And it is scaring me.

I am so tired and exasperated. I think what I have is incurable. Unless I find the one right doctor for it. Yes? [I can't believe I have the mood at this time to be cheesy]

I cannot fall in love.

And it's breaking my heart.

PS: I swear I'd marry the one guy who can get me to fall madly in love with him [duhhhhh]. Which is impossible. I'm screwed.

Fallen but alive

2006-01-25T12:44:00.000+08:00

Unfortunately for many, I am still alive! That is as bad as bad news can get no?

I went to the doctor 29 hours after my fall and she prescribed me some meds which I am already off by now. I feel fine but one never knows what damage's already done inside the head until one does certain acts that stink of psychosis. I think.

I hope biting my dog (now more on a regular basis) doesn't count. He is just too cute. In fact, I am quite certain I have the cutest dog in the whole ....ok, in Singapore.

Anyways, some updates.

1) My dad is back from Australia (BOO HOO!) and is destroying things along the way. The computer went and I think the sound system is next.

2) My dad annihilated the computer (refer to above). Lost everything (equivalent to half my life) on it. My programs, my settings, my documents, my files, my folders, my documents, my music and most importantly, my photos. The one thing I cannot get over is the loss of Nike's baby photos. Those, I can and will never get back.

I hate my dad.

So, he had to pay some alleged IT expert to fix the computer. I asked the IT man to recover as many files/programs/whatever as he could (J told me it was possible). To which he replied 'Can you give me the names of the files you want recovered?'

Great.

Look, I lost everything. I am desperate. I want everything back. But only if possible. It hardly makes sense for me to sit down with him and go 'Ok, please recover Nike_and_Sha.jpg, you_idiot.jpg, J_and_I.jpg, etc' for the tens of photos and hundreds of documents and programs YEA? IT expert my yellow ass.

I told him 'No. I cannot give you the names of the files I want recovered. My plea here is for you to recover what is possible, if not everything. Those that are lost forever, I understand and I blame my dad. It does not make any sense for me to give you the names of every file and program I have on the computer even if my hobby was to memorise the names of every program and file in my computer. Do you get it?'

In the end, he managed to recover some files and programs (although many became just empty shells if you know what I mean which I don't think you do and I cannot be bothered to explain) which rendered his earlier 'Can you give me the names of the files you want recovered?' absolutely redundant and stupid.

So the computer is back but it feels weird because although I am typing on the same keyboard and looking at the same monitor, somehow everything feels different. I lost all my familiar programs and settings. I have no idea what is now on my computer. Fonts and images double in size, icons are different, programs, files and folders are all over the place. My computer is as messed up as my life. Now I am seriously beginning to wonder if my dad has a part to play in both.

In a nutshell, it's like getting back with an ex after a long period of separation. You know him but don't know him. That familiar feeling is gone. Routines are broken. A stop is put on actions you used to take without thinking.

I miss my old one but I know to really move on, I'd need to get a new one (The old one isn't the same anymore anyways).

And one I needn't share with anyone. Especially my dad.

Eew. I should've stopped the analogy in my head first.

I meant the computer.

For now, I'd make do with this pile of crap. Since I've lost everything I've done on it, it now no longer feels like even partially mine.

3) J is coming to Singapore again to see me! He'd be here for longer than he was so yay! We're going to have fun whether he (or my mom) likes it or not.

4) My sister went to Australia and yes, that means Nike is solely in my care again (but since when has Nike not been solely in my care? Fuck, scrap this line)

5) At least 2 more weeks before my dad goes back to Australia. Man, this lady can't wait!

6) I've decided to not visit anyone this CNY. I just don't feel like interacting with stupid people who'd be unhealthily and suspiciously interested in my life.

7) Can some higher being zap my dad back to where he should be? I'd pay.

8) The reason why I numbered my 'update' (the clueful would be able to tell that 'update' is used loosely) is so I needn't find a reason why my paragraphs/topics don't flow. Seriously, I think like that. In bits and pieces randomly and irrelevantly. In fact, someone once told me I'm the most irrelevant person he knows. Or maybe he said irreverent. Hell.

9) I'd be getting my very first digicam! Okay, I am late and slow. But you're ugly and nasty.

10) I have a date for Valentine's Day! And I think it's going to be a good one this year.

11) There exists a slight possibility of me being introduced to a minor celebrity. Someone from 'Survivor Guatemala'. Those who ever discussed that series with me would know which someone I'm referring to!

So there.

If I had fallen and died, these are the things I would have missed out/be missing out on.

Grim Reaper's Seduction

2006-01-18T01:48:00.000+08:00

An hour ago, I got out of my bathroom and slipped.

I fell backwards and hit my head hard against the corner of the wall beside the bathroom door.

I blacked out for a split second before the pain set in.

My head, my hand, my spine, my hip. They were killing me.

I couldn't stop bawling. I thought I was going to die. The pain was immense.

My mom ran out of the kitchen, collapsed into a kneel and cradled me like a baby. Then she wept as she massaged my head with determined desperation.

My sister then revealed that she's fallen a couple of times herself and hit her head against the wall once too. However, she said my fall was worse because it was L.O.U.D.

My house must be haunted. We are being assaulted by poltergeists! That, or the Grim Reaper needs to hit his quota.

My mom wanted to send me to the hospital (it was quite a hard knock) but I said it's pointless because doctors nowadays would not entertain you unless and until you can show hard evidence that the Grim Reaper is hovering somewhere around you.

As a matter of fact, this is what the doctor would say.

'Monitor the situation and come back when you experience symptoms of a concussion'.

To which I'm sure I'd reply: 'Why don't I come back when I am in a coma?'

I don't need to pay any idiot to tell me that.

But you do know what this means right?

I've killed as many brain cells as a month of hard binge drinking would.

I know! Like I haven't killed enough already. My mind's fucked enough.

The more I try to cut down on drinking to save 'em cells, the more and faster I lose them.

Seriously though, if anything happens to me, I'd like to say a proper goodbye here.

Goodbye.

That's about it.

So if you don't see this journal updated....

....oops.

PS: My mom refuses to let me go sleep! She keeps saying 'Don't sleep now.' She is so cute. I have to assure her I'd get up the next day. Although I don't even know for sure myself.

It's quite cool to predict one's own death and have it documented really. I'd be a really cool dead chick! I feel so sleepy now. Uh oh.

Personality Test

2006-01-06T01:21:00.000+08:00

Few people know this but I enjoy taking 'personality' tests. The more detailed and complicated, the more interested I am.

Just did one 2 minutes ago.

Here are my results.

WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

You are a person who is keeping things to yourself.

You are a bit more choosy on friends and only hangout with those whom you think are on the same frequency. (omg, this is so accurate. I have no time for people on another frequency)

What you want in your life is half fullfilled.

You are weak in your life and tends to be fragile.

You have high sex drive.

You have a few good friends in your life.

Your last relationship is good and it's still fresh in your heart.

Even when your partner is around you, you will flirt around with others.

You've got a low ego.

A humble personality is in you.

You get average bond with your friends. (well it's not easy when you hate humans!)

Your partner is pure and good in your heart.

Your partner is a very homely and humble person.

You seek your partner whenever you are met with problems.

I have to admit. This is fuckin' good analysis. Got almost everything spot on. Of course there is that one which is NOT TRUE at all.....

How absurd! Not true, not true at all....

....

My last relationship wasn't good (how good could it be if I had to trash it?) and it definitely is NOT fresh in my heart. Can hardly remember that dude's name really.

Guess the rest are all freakishly true. Almost to a fault.

Man, there must be more to such self-analysis tests than pure bullshit.

Reconciliation

2006-01-04T18:53:00.000+08:00

J called me up in hysterics after reading my entry on his recent demise in my world.

He was sobbing so hard I could barely make out what he was trying to say.

I calmed him down and it was after that I heard him choked 'Please. Don't do this to me. If you go ahead with this, I will be ruined.'

I tried to console and comfort. Most importantly, I tried to make him see sense.

'No you do not understand. You can't do this.' he insisted.

I stood firm and told him that I have to do this for myself.

There was an awkward silence. He could be heard sobbing softly.

'I am finished' he muttered softly.

I told him 'I am sorry. So sorry J'.

I never knew I meant so much to him. When a guy would shed tears for you, you must mean something.

I couldn't bear to hear him sniffle. I was about to cave. Maybe he deserves another chance. Afterall, cutting him completely off is a tad drastic. Besides, he was a good friend.

'J......come on' I softly encouraged.

'No. You don't understand' he snapped. And then he continued 'You cannot do this to me. I've already bought the ticket to Singapore and it's peak period so this would mean I busted 600 odd pounds for nothing.'

....................................

THAT, was awkward!

===================================================================

The above DID NOT happen. I made it up.

What really happened was that J did call and we've decided that I shouldn't and wouldn't cut him off totally. Starting the new year with a soft heart is so not the smart thing.

But he knows too much about me. If we stop talking and I stop knowing what is going on, I might have to kill him.

What's a girl to do eh?

And he did get me something I really wanted for X'mas. Plus another mystery gift that somehow nobody knows what or where it is (cept for J of course).

So maybe I should try to be less drastic? Least I could do no?

But hell, it's my decision so there is no need for justifications.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006.

2006-01-03T14:53:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006.

I don't know why the fuck people are so happy when another year's passed but hell, I hope everyone have a good year ahead.

Though people are still going to die or get hurt. And shit is still going to happen.

You do know that right?

Noone finishes a year without getting hurt in a way or another.

Someone WILL at least get a paper cut. That hurts too. No?

Hearts are going to be broken. People are going to be betrayed. Faith and trust are going to be lost. Relationships are going to be ruined. Death is going to be one year closer.

Just because you wish it wouldn't happen doesn't mean it wouldn't.

Hey, it's just another year.

I know I'm a damn pooper but that's reality and brutal honesty for you.

I still don't get the fuss every 1st January.

I know the constantly-happy out there would say that it's good to look forward to positive things in the coming year. And even for someone like me, I do believe that good things WILL happen this new year.

But the good wipes out the bad and vice versa so what is the point in celebrating?

I really don't know but this is just my side of the glass.

To those who believe anyways, HAPPY NEW YEAR and may good things come your way.

An end to everything past and to 2005.

2005-12-31T20:13:00.000+08:00

It's New Year Eve.

This must be one of the worst preludes to a new year ever. My mood is sombre and my heart is broken.

I've decided on alot of things for the new year.

For one, I've decided to go for a social detox and sweep all the nasty people out of my life.

I have to be more selective than I already am in the coming year.

'I' am going to feature more in the new year and people's feelings are going to get hurt. I am no longer going to have time for anyone or their bullshit.

One person I've sadly decided to put to rest in my world is J.

We've come a long long way and with every broken relationship, it's gonna hurt. But it's us or me.

And it's gonna be ME.

I can't spend the rest of my life feeling miserable. I cannot be with anyone who brings out the worst in me. I need to be more positive this year if I'm to survive longer than I intend.

I'm so sorry J, but our journey ends at the stroke of midnight.

It's indeed a sad end to a wonderful year but we've got to be strong for better things to come.

Nobody would understand the decision I've made tonight nor could they ever fathom my pain. But if it takes living alone for the rest of my life to be happy, that is what I'm going to do.

For I sorely miss being happy J, and you of all people should know that.

Such is life when you love someone so much but just could never find a way to be happy together.

Cutting J off would mean cutting off a huge part of my life since he's the only one who knows my secrets, fears, dreams and life.

I'd never let anyone be that close to me again. It was such a scary and painful experience.

Sure was glad to know ya Li'l and I wish you only the best in life.

Happy New Year now.

Last night at Siam

2005-12-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

Siam (Supperclub) is sucha nice place to chill. No crowd, free flow from 8-10pm, attentive service, nice low temperature, strong drinks, cheap snacks/food and cosy dim atmosphere. Really, what more can one asks for?

However, we went over to Eastside after we're done with our drinks because the music at Siam was horrible. The DJ was lousy at changing tracks and ergo, our mood was affected. Anticlimatic.

We didn't appreciate the music genre too, so more reason to move on. The genre was S.H.I.T by the way. At least that's what I think.

We painted the town red though and had too many laughs. Company was good.

By 2am, I was already wiped out and ready to head home. I am not usually the one to suggest going home but I did last night. I felt poorly and looked like death warmed over. The effect of the dreaded white liquor.

I had mostly vodka (and only a bottle of Heiney). Those who are close to me know that vodka kills me. I cannot take white liquor. I take a chance with vodka sometimes but I stay the hell away from gin.

I am afterall a Whiskey girl. Dark liquor kicks ass!

So after the seventh glass of vodka, I knew I had enough. I wasn't exactly liquored up but I felt really nasty. There was an uncomfortable tightness in my chest and multiple lumps in my throat. I wanted to throw up but I couldn't. I saw my life flashed by and I knew I had to call it a night.

Fortunately, I was with this group who never say no to an early night. Kenneth sent me and Faith home and once home, I felt worse.

I couldn't act sober because I was feeling too terrible to even try. My mum was none too pleased and reminded me to take care of my health. I threw up twice and then had myself a nice hot shower.

J called and I was telling him my 'last words' because I was convinced the vodka would ultimately literally kill me. I kept on telling him I was feeling miserable and dreading the hangover the next day, totally forgetting that vodka never gives hangies.

I woke up the next day, feeling extremely normal. No hangies! I swore my head hurt a tad when I sprung out of bed though. But hell, at least my food didn't taste like mud! Yay!

Life is always a trade-off. You can see it in the simplest of things.

Feel miserable with vodka but suffer no hangover?

Or feel good with whiskey and suffer a shitova hangover?

To eat or forget to eat?

2005-12-22T03:30:00.000+08:00

My poor eating habit is indeed something to moan about.

I took an hour fifteen to finish my lunch today.

J would say that's nothing compared to when I was in England. He would grumble and complain about me not finishing my meals within the hour.

Sometimes, I would get so distracted I'd forget I was in the middle of a meal.

I would be doing my usual stuff and then suddenly see a bowl of unfinished meal on my table.

And then a smack on my forehead would usually follow.

Talking about this made me think of those days when J would finish his meals first and then I wouldn't allow him to leave the table. I would make him sit at the table with me until I was done. He would then sulk and get really irritated (I can take a looooooooooong time to finish my food). His guitar and comic books must always be within reach so he could strum or read while I eat slowly.

Man, I hated that guitar. Because, hard as I tried, I couldn't play that bitch.

The Devil made me write it

2005-12-22T02:36:00.000+08:00

My evil persona came out to play. Not without the help of some fucked up people I unfortunately had the dishonor of knowing.

I've been feeling extremely evil these coupla days and I don't know why. Bitchy, unhappy, grouchy, and just plain nasty. I wanna see bad shit happen and then laugh about it over a glass of infected blood.

I feel like Lucifer's bride.

I have so much negative vibes I wanna bash everyone's heads in just to see the mix of blood, broken bones and flesh. Something pretty in exchange for all these lousy humans I'm forced to live with at least.

Was gonna write a list of evil things I've done this week but deleted it because I don't think anyone would understand without first judging me. And I really do not have the time for that.

Too many things piss me off and trust you me, it does nobody any fucking good to tell me to take things easy. If I could, I would you daft twit.

Some mouths just open too much and too quickly.

I'm sick of all the high and mighty attitude I've been getting from someone. Don't tell me what to do or how to feel, you piece of shit, until you've walked a mile in my fuckin' shoes.

Some people should have that hole in their face permanently and surgically sealed. Nothing good ever comes out of it anyways. Some mouths are only good for blowjobs and I hope they can just stick to that instead. Then at least someone would feel good.

I don't know why I hate that person so much right now. But hell, I hate everybody right now.

I wish I'm on an island where there are only nice people and animals. We'd go hunting in the rest of the outside world and feast on all the nasty and horrible human beings. We could really live a long time on that.

PS: If you wanna tell me I'm crude and blah blah, take a queue number and jump off the cliff of FuckYou. I'd gladly set your carcass on fire after I've filed my nails.

PPS: On another note, shitloads of old entries coming up. Check back.

Going to Hell in a handcart

2005-12-19T14:48:00.000+08:00

Our friendship has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous.

It is unbearably difficult to maintain a smile in front of her now.

Everything she has to say gets me fed up to the back teeth. We used to get along famously but now, I just feel like punching her after her every sentence.

Her holier-than-thou attitude, her finger-wagging, her chatisement, her cruel put-downs, her defensiveness, her warped justifications, her belittlement, her criticism of my friends, oh I could go on.

In one worthier friend's words 'You certainly don't look like the type who'd take such shit'.

This is testament to the fact I did give this doomed friendship some stick but hell, this friendship's gone to the dogs.

It's time someone around here got some Jersey justice.

World Cup Groupiracy

2005-12-19T02:44:00.000+08:00

The World Cup groupings are not cricket!!! In other words, they are unfair!!

Argentina gets to play The Netherlands. Japan gets to play Brazil. And the strongest team England gets to play against is Paraguay?!!!

WTHEF?

Looks like it's going to be a lousy one for J and I.

If The Netherlands (the team I hate most) beats Argentina, I am going to lose it. What happened in France 98 can NEVER happen again. Stupid orangy freaks.

Poor Japan though. Always getting the short end of the stick.

And is it only me but does England get away with almost anything at most World Cups?

What a travesty.

I cried when I found out WWF matches were all fixed. Hope I needn't cry again.

And if you don't know already, Axl Rose and I will both be cheering Argentina [and of course USA not that it'd do any good] on come June 9 2006.

Double whammy

2005-12-19T00:02:00.000+08:00

J knows I enjoyed X-Factor the last time it was on TV in England. So he offered to record the whole new series for me. And that was just swell.

So weeks and months passed.

He faithfully recorded every episode for me.

He would call me sometimes and then have a bee in his bonnet about what went on this week on the episode. But we couldn't really indulge because I'd have no idea what is going or went on.

Recently, it was X-Factor's finale. I was mad excited. J would probably send 'em tapes over to me any time now! Yay! Great X'mas pressie, I thought.

Today, I logged into www.yahoo.co.uk intending to check my emails. There, right smack on the 4th headline :

'SHAYNE WINS X-FACTOR'

..............

Great.

I blew my stack, then a gasket.

HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME? HOW?

There should be a law on this. Whatever this is. Splashing spoilers all over the place. Someone should go to jail for this.

Later, I was on the blower with J when I decided that since I was already this upset over the spoiler, I might as well work it for some fun. At least turn things around to make this a good thing. Or a funny thing. Or something positive.

I chattered with J for a mo before nonchalantly maneuvering him into a topic he thought was random.

Me: ......and that was how the cat died. Anyhow, I had a weird dream last night.
J: Oh?
Me: Yea, I dreamt about X-Factor. I dreamt who won.
J was silent.
Me: In my dream, it was a guy. I don't know why.
J continued his silence although I could sense his unease.
Me: The funny thing was, he had a name! How bizarre is that?
J: Uh huh. What was his name?
Me: Shayne.
J kept painfully quiet and I was convinced he was freakin' out.

How did I know there was a contestant by that name? And how the fuck did I know he won?

I could almost hear those questions zoom by his head.

I couldn't bear to scare him further, especially since he was alone at home.

I confessed that I saw that spoiler on Yahoo. Then I started whining about how this is not fun anymore and that he might as well use the tapes as book-ends now.

He then revealed 'You know, thanks but I haven't watched the finale. I recorded it but haven't watched it. Was going to. Guess needn't now.'

!!!!!

Right in the ass. Ouch.

I felt like I just threw away his winning lottery ticket.

I apologised. I thought I was being smart. Turning this spoiler thing around. Instead, this bloody spoiler got us both and me twice.

Being the sweetie he is, he mumbled 'I knew Shayne was gonna win nyways. No worries'.

My feet sure left an awful taste in my big mouth.

I hate Yahoo. =(

To take the cake or the biscuit?

2005-12-17T16:49:00.000+08:00

I called J this afternoon to wake him up for school (he's doing a course for his company). We chatted for a while and somehow, we went to the age old topic of him being such a cutie when he was a toddler.

I told him 'Your brothers could hardly compare. When it comes to overwhelming cuteness, who takes the cake?'

There was silence (which is not uncommon when on the phone with J).

Immediately I knew he didn't get it.

'Me' he muttered softly, unsure if that should be the answer.

I asked in a resigned tone 'You didn't get it again right?' (J has this problem of not knowing what I'm talking about, which is sad).

I was about to blow up (like I normally would) because I couldn't understand how two people can be so close yet one cannot get what the other is saying. A certain connection is defo lacking although we've known each other for years now.

Back to the convo.

J admitted he didn't get me and apologised for faking a reply (which is something that riles me no end - if you don't get something, ASK. Don't pretend you got it).

I repeated myself. After ascertaining that he could hear me but couldn't understand me, I realised that he has never heard this phrase 'take the cake'. I was flabbergasted. A 'stupid' escaped my lips until I realised that he didn't grow up in the American culture. He is British. My bad. Shite. Heh.

I then explained the phrase with an example 'Miss X may have a sweet face but when it comes to real beauty, Miss Y takes the cake'.

J then told me 'The closest thing I've heard is to 'take the biscuit''.

Ok, was he being sarcastic? But, it's not like J to be witty or funny.

'Make a sentence with that' I insisted.

'He really takes the biscuit' J attempted.

WTF? That's it??

Wow, he sure is good with this. Not.

'Don't lie to me! This phrase does not exist RIGHT?' I was sure I was going to catch him out.

He explained that the phrase 'to take the biscuit' refers to poking fun. Like 'take the mickey' and 'take the piss'. Now, if all means the same thing, why the hell do we need to 'take' so many things to make one simple point? British people are weird.

Update: I just did a search. To 'take the biscuit' is NOT to poke fun. It means 'absolute limit'. So in terms of meaning, 'take the cake' and 'take the biscuit' are not so different after all.

Well, at least we both learnt something new today.

The West Girl at East Side

2005-12-17T15:41:00.000+08:00

It's Saturday and to those of you who already know, Saturdays are hangover days. And I'm nursing one now.

Things taste like mud, headache like a mother, the whole nine yards. I wasn't one over the eight last night but I did enough damage to secure myself a hangover today.

Was at East Side last night and it was a bit of a curate's egg. The start of the night was smashing and we had so much fun. We went crazy a bit and I guess that freaked WL out. Company was great because the girls outnumbered the guys!

I got tipsy turvy around the fourth bottle of MooseHead. Then somehow, we got to know these guys at the table beside ours and somehow again, I got a glass of Chivas Regal in my left hand. Candice said something funny. She told me 'WL wouldn't like guys approaching us because he's quite territorial'. HAHAHAHA. I corrected 'You mean protective...'

Company left when they decided they could drink no more. I stayed around with Sean and the guys from the table next to ours. We talked and before I knew it, I had agreed to proceed to Devil's Bar with them. HELLO? I hope noone I know saw me there. If not, the egg would defo be on my face. Benedict (one of the guys) works in New York and he told me he could get me a job there. He asked for my number and when I hesitated, he quickly added 'I never get girls' numbers from pubs. I am not the sort who'd pick up chicks'. These were his words verbatim. He should remember his story because the next thing I knew, he was 'picking me up' big time.

I couldn't drink anymore and so spent the 30 minutes in Devil's Bar gnashing ice. Benedict, the guy who does not pick up chicks, got slightly drunk and attempted to kiss me. That's a bit much. I pushed him away violently and asked his friend (forgot his name) to keep him in order. His friend told him I was uncomfortable and I stared at the friend, as if to imply an understatement. Benedict came over to me (I kept my distance) and told me how he really liked me the moment he set his eyes on me and how he wanted me to visit him in New York. If it weren't so dark in Devil's Bar, he'd have seen me roll my eyes hard.

Talking about dark in Devil's Bar, that place epitomizes SLEAZE. Why would they switch off nearly all the lights if not? Honestly, a couple could be making babies right there and noone would know or give a shit. Even Benedict took a 180 degree change into a slobbering pervert the moment we stepped into Devil's Bar. I felt like a babe in the woods with all the dodgy characters there.

I decided to leave when Benedict pestered to send me home (whose home, I was never sure but I ain't taking the chance!). His friend saw me out (apologising the whole way) and pushed a few bucks into my hand before slamming the cab door shut.

I still cannot remember this friend-of-Ben's name but I know he is an air steward (or a pilot?). Looks can be a curve ball. I thought initially that this steward was going to be more of a bother and didn't expect sweet-looking Benedict to be the one I should've guarded against.

So I went home around 5am and when I got home, I realised I did it again.

I LOST MY FREAKING EARRING.

Anger

2005-12-11T02:44:00.000+08:00

She was mad. In an angry sort of way. Tonight was a disaster.

It shouldn't be but it was.

Afterall, she was out with two of the more important people in her life.

It was supposed to be a good night. No, a great night. It turned out to be anything but.

She was angry. Angry at her best friend for denying her basic courtesy and respect. 'How difficult, how fucking difficult is it to stop hurting the one you're supposed to care about?' she thought.

No matter how close two people are, any fucking purpose is defeated if their being together hurts one party no end.

She reached home suffocated. From the layer of mask she was forced to wear tonight.

Why can't she be angry when she feels anger? She's tired and had enough of suppressing her volcano of an emotion all in the name of being a best friend. It was so not worth it. She grimaced.
She's still angry. Angry with the two people who carelessly disregarded her feelings tonight.

'He's important but dispensable. I can always replace him. But she, how could she?' she thought as she guzzled her fourth bottle of Heineken.

She knew she should have kept her appointment with another to be somewhere else. She felt stupid for keeping this one just to have her pride torn right apart.

She took out her Mont Blanc and scribbled furiously on the torn piece of serviette.

'I hate you. For belittling me and making me look like the fool in front of the guy I was supposed to be dating. You never tried to understand how that would make me feel. You always felt it was your right to grab my pride and smash it into smithereens. No, we are not close at all. We're only close enough for me to get hurt repeatedly. We are in an unhealthy friendship where it is always my feelings in exchange for your ego trip. I am exhausted. I want this to end. I don't want and don't need a best friend. I wanna be angry when I am angry. I don't want to hold my anger just so you can get away with hurting me.

And you always criticise the people I date. They are horrible, they are ugly, they are basically freaks. Have you thought about how I'd feel? That you meant I was dating such abhorrent creatures? I had enough respect to shut my face when you introduced that balding, lisping mess who looked like he fries his hair before he goes to bed every night. When will you ever learn to shut yours? When will you realise it's not your fuckin problem who I date or see? Why don't you take your bloody opinions and shove them up your shithole? Give me them only when they are respectful. You fuckin disrespectful piece of asswipe.'

She inhaled and then exhaled so hard it became an angry sigh. She put down her pen and stared at the empty bottles of Heineken in front of her. Her eyes reddened. She asked the waitress for another piece of serviette. Then she wrote.

'You too. You are a sorry excuse for a man. The anger is there but the hate is not. You never meant enough to me to justify any. I just thought what you said earlier was extremely inconsiderate. You take the good with the bad, the rough with the smooth. You can't have the cake and eat it too unless the cake's poisoned. I have zero respect for you because I think you are a wuss. You let fear control and manipulate common courtesy. '

She flipped the serviette over and continued.

'Wish I didn't have to see the both of you in the cold light of day. Life is so much easier without people like you in it. And that's how it should be'

She slumped her tired self into the chair. After two minutes, she grabbed the pieces of written-on serviettes and pushed them into her empty pocket.

'You know something is wrong when you hate your best friend' she mumbled loud enough only for herself to hear. Then she gave a wry smile before asking the lovely waitress for the bill.

Happy Birthday Andrew

2005-12-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

Friday night and I was at ICB with some of my friends. It was Andrew's birthday and I had to be there to wish him a happy one. Unfortunately, he was sloshed by the time I got there, which was lateeeee, no thanks to the rain and the excruciatingly long MRT ride.

Taking the MRT, I passed by weird places like Yew Tee, Kranji, Marsiling (why the hell was I all the way in the East?!), Yishun, Ang Mo Kio and Bishan. Why I needed to go through that route to get to Orchard, I will never know. It was a dang long journey with 17 unnecessary stops. I mean, if I'd taken the bus, it would have been a straightforward route via Bukit Timah, Dunearn Road and Newton down to Orchard. I felt like I was forced to travel through the entire northwest unnecessarily to get to Orchard.

Although honestly, I'd have probably been later if I had taken the bus because freaks come out to play near Christmas on a Friday night and traffic jam is really not fun so I chose to travel by MRT that night.

Couldn't find the damn exit when I got to Somerset. I haven't been on the MRT for at least 2 years and man, they have these new stations now and then all these different exits within a station. I felt like I was in a maze, trying to find my way out.

Anyhoo, I got to ICB in one drenched piece because it rained.

(How cool is that huh? Good going Mother Nature!)

I met Candice and friends in Stellar Bar. Couldn't wait to guzzle down my beer after what I've been through. Three gulps later, I table-hopped to where Gabby, Adrian and Caleb were sitting. I saw the birthday boy hounded by his pals and waited a mo before I intervened to wish him a happy birthday.

Later in the night, I saw C. When our eyes met, I realised how long it had been. I miss him kinda in a some sorta way..... he had a faraway look in his eyes and I just hope everything is alright with him. The grand schemer didn't orchestrate for us to be in each other's lives even though we're such similar personalities. Life can be weird and sad like that. Wish I could sit him down and exchange stories one day but for now, we've quite gone to pot.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

The group with Candice and the one with Gabby cannot be more different. We talked about different stuff, cracked different jokes and I know my limits with both. They are both my friends but they are really different people who bring out a different side of me. It's quite interesting really and I cannot say I enjoyed myself more at one table than the other.

They couldn't get along though and that is what I found amusing. Gabby hates Candice's aloofness whereas Candice hates Gabby's guts. But hey, as always, alcohol brings people together and by the end of the night, they were chattering like good friends at the same table while I stood at the side smiling at this scene I doubt I'd ever see again.

I was buzzing after the beer, vodka redbull, long island tea and JD coke and it was definitely a better state to be in than drunk. Got a ride home from Gabby and Adrian (and I'm appreciative because they live all the way in the East). When I got home, I called J only to end up falling asleep at the end of the phone.

I hope Andrew had a smashing birthday and I hope his hangover wasn't a bitch. I wish I had participated more in his celebration but he had all his good pals with him and I'm unfortunately no longer in his close circle.

He was my best friend. For some short years.

And I took comfort in knowing that.

Happy Birthday Andrew Ho.

'Those good times. That's just you and me. Circumstances can drive a wedge between us but these memories, noone can rip apart or take away. Take comfort in that.' - Me

Untitled

2005-12-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

She walked out of her room with a cellphone clutched tightly in her hand. She flipped it open and began jabbing at the keypad.

After she was done, she smacked her cellphone shut.

'I am such a liar' she smirked.

Well, you gotta do what you've gotta do.

Sometimes, an apology is as worthless as the person it came from.

I saw Saw

2005-12-02T03:13:00.000+08:00

Well, we saw Saw. I suggested that we see Saw. Haha.......cracks me up all the time.

Saw 2 to be correct.

Great film though I could do with less gore. It was horrible. I had to keep my fingers to my ears through half of the show. Can't they shoot anybody to death anymore? It was a torture fest, I tell you. Not a pretty way to go for most of them. I'd rather bite my tongue and die. Honest.

The show held my attention at least and I didn't touch most of the popcorn Sean bought. He didn't like the show and so directed his attention to the large box of popcorn between us. He didn't know what it was all about (he missed Saw). So I explained the general idea of Saw to him over a couple of Jim Beam and Vodka-green-shit after the film.

Then we started talking about crap like relationships (what's the point, I could never get anyone to see my point of view on that wretched topic). Have to say though, I saw his side of things and it did make me think a little. Also shared a couple of my views on other random topics with him and got his jaded mind thinking.

He told me I'm so different from all the girls he's met and the word 'special' never left his lips for long. Well, experiences force you to grow up I guess and everything fairy taley about life gradually fades away after a certain age. It's a bummer, I know, but life is a big fat bummer. You either face up to it or live in denial.

Sean : Do you drink everyday?
Me: Almost
Sean: You should stop.
Me: And why's that?
Me: Coz it'd ruin my health?
Sean: Uh huh
Me: And?
Sean: You might die.
Me: And?
Sean: Huh?
Me: What makes you think that's a worse option than living?
Sean: Well, I don't know....
Me: Alright, like I always say, when I find a reason to stop drinking, I will.

I'm turning all my friends alcoholic I tell ya. He's already blaming me for his impending beer belly.

We shared so much tonight. Past came back. Mine and his. We kept silent for a bit, lost in our own nostalgia (yucks, I've turned into a cheddar).

He sent me home a while after that because he has a job to go to tomorrow.

When I got home, I received a message from him.

'I really hope one day we could lie side by side in an open space and talk till we fall asleep. That'd be sweet'

Looks like he's the bigger piece of cheddar.

But seriously, it's a wonderful feeling to know someone enjoys what you have got to say.

I dislike:

1) People stating the obvious loudly while watching a film like they are so smart (ie: 'he's going to die')
2) Coming home and have my mom go 'You drank alot tonight' after I had only one bottle.
3) Chatting with idiots on MSN
4) Melted ice cream
5) People probing about my life when I've already displayed an unwillingness to talk about certain things

Let's keep it that way

2005-11-30T03:39:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day.

I had great company, felt wanted and most importantly, didn't scream at J.

I laughed really hard tonight although it was only for a few seconds. It's awesome to meet new people because sometimes you do find something precious about a human being.

Sean is a nice fellow. In fact, he could be my next best friend. He's funny, we connected and he's extremely sweet. When we were walking amidst puddles of rain, he would softly warn me of the puddle ahead. It's just the little things, ya know? He is very attentive and considerate. Even before I sip my last, he'd ask if I would like another bottle. And you'd be surprised. They don't make guys like that anymore.

Maybe I've just met too many idiots in my life. I have got some good shit stories but I'd share them another day.

I notice the better qualities in a guy, I guess, because I can be pretty observant. Some guys have some and the rest have others. My point is, all guys exhibit different good qualities and at times, I would like to make mention of them.

My heart might already belong to someone but that doesn't mean good guys then fail to exist. If a guy is sweet, he is sweet nomatter what my status is. No point pretending I've given my heart to the best guy in the world.

Ok, so not much left to say. Once again, I bring a smile with me to bed.

I like:

1) Being kissed on the forehead
2) Going to bed freshly showered
3) Coming home to a house free from my poochie's poo and pee
4) Waking up to a traditional English breakfast
5) Going out at night

Bojangles

2005-11-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

Went to Bojangles with Sean tonight. Had a mighty good time. Pub was cosy. Mood was relaxed. Company was lovely. Night was chilly.

Perfect.

We spent the night talking about nothing and it felt good. I nearly sulked when the night was ending.

I sent us home with a promise to catch up again on Thursday.

Candice probably thinks I'm mad but hey, I think she's mad too so who really knows?

We've agreed to disagree. We are far too different but we do love each other and I think that's all that matters right now.

It's good to know you mean something to somebody.

It's been so long.

I so like:

1) Being pampered
2) A pint of ice cold beer
3) Saying 'thank you' and have that reciprocated
4) Nice cabbies
5) Guys who go 'Can I get you another drink?' -attentive

I go to sleep with a smile tonight.

Rip me off not.

2005-11-22T03:33:00.000+08:00

I am so idiotic.

I have so many posts in drafts and yet I still compose more, just to draft them as well.

I should get my older posts edited and then published first. I hate myself.

That's why you should probably scroll through the archives on a regular basis because I sometimes post entries from months ago. But wait, decide if you care first.

So anyways, I was doing an entry on Guns N' Roses and got so carried away I think I could publish a book with the amount of stuff I'd written. Then, I realised I'm probably the only one who cares about GN'R and I also realised that I had only written about 1/6th of what I really wanted to say. I could write an encyclopedia on the band I tell you. So decided to leave that entry for now else I would not be able to move on.

I will edit that draft and when it's short enough, publish it.

So, with nothing left to talk about, I suddenly thought of doing a random 'Things I like and hate' series on my journal.

I used to end each entry with lyrics/quotes from songs but I found that many people started doing that which got me mad-irritated so I stopped doing that myself. At least not for every entry.

Some people ought to be a tad more original if you ask me.

I so hate:

1) People who rip off others' ideas and then act cool with them
2) People who sway to rock music
3) People who start MSN messages with STUPID stuff like 'yawn....' or a bloody winking emoticon. Like, WHAT IS YOUR POINT IDIOT?
4) People who end every word with a 'z'. WHAT THE FUCK is the purpose of the 'z'? 'Laterz'? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WORD?! GOZ DIEZ NOWZ WHYZ DON'TZ YOUZ??!!
5) People who initiate chats over SMS. Hey fuckhead, I need to pay for every single text message you make me send. How about you text me necessarily and call me when you want to find out how's my day, what I'm doing, where I'd be going, why I'd be going there, why I'd be doing what I'd be doing, and other shit which would not even be your bloody business? In short, if you require an answer to an open-ended question or expect a 'ping-pong' conversation, CALL ME instead.

I hate people.

The step

2005-11-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

I've plunged! Finally! After 9 whole freakin' miserable months!

I did it! And good things can only come after this, right? Please?

So, Gary will be pickin' me up in 1 hour. We're going to a midnight film - The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I finally get to watch the film! #%^&^%#$$@@!!! I was supposed to catch the show on Halloween but got very played out. End up, I spent Halloween doing nothing. I never spend Halloween doing nothing. Well, I can't say that anymore now, can I?!!

@#$%^%$#$#!!!

Although I would rather be watching this show with J. I miss those horror movies marathon days. I told him about the show and he was mad disappointed that he would have to catch it alone. It's not out yet in London so I guess he'd just have to wait. To watch alone. Poor thing.

But damn, I can't wait! I love evil, creepy shows like that. I would just die of ecstasy if the possessed girl climbs out of the cinema screen! Oh man, if only!

It's so difficult to catch a really scary horror movie nowadays. I get a high everytime I get scared. And I don't mean those 'BOO!' kinda scared. I HATE silly scare-tactics employed by so many horror movie directors. Cheap shit without any ounce of bloody imagination.

Oh, oh......I was gonna say. I finally completed my secret stuff today! Please pray for me to see the bloody fruit of my labor!

If everything goes well, I might just be happy again! It's been such a long time since I've been happy and dang, I miss that happy feeling.

***********************************************************************************

I can't believe the number of mosquito-bites I have. Close to 5 years of being mosquito-bite free, I really cannot take this!

Why wanna bite me?

=(

Alrighty, I've gotta dash. Later!

A busy day in the life of a secret person

2005-11-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

I realised I again kept many posts in drafts.

And this is because I don't know if I should do the right thing or do what I want.

Yum. Sipping on Hahn Premium Light now. Second bottle and I'm still as sober as a priest.

Today was fuck busy. I went to a secret place to do some secret stuff but the secret stuff didn't work out because there were more secret tasks I needed to accomplish before the secret stuff could get done. So I ran around all day trying to get 'em secret tasks done.

Later, this secret person called me and told me those secret idiots couldn't tell me what I needed to hear and so we secretly wished they were dead.

I cleaned the entire master bedroom's floor because some naughty one pee-d and poo-ed ever-ry-where. I nearly killed him until I remembered he's not mine. Good thing I bought lager today though.

After that, I bathed the naughty one with this new expensive strawberry flavoured shampoo and he smelt so fruity I wanted to dip him in chocolate and eat him. That, or put him in a blender to make smoothie.

I went grocery shopping today! Yay! I love grocery shopping. Especially when I don't need to pay. But I did today. So.

I bought:

2 huge ass bottles of fabric softeners
1 six-pack of Hahn Premium Light lager (I love 'em! They can't get you high though. You're better off sniffing thinner)
1 watermelon (I love watermelons!)
3 honey thai mangoes
6 grapefruits
1 yummilicious strawberry flavoured shampy for the pup
1 mini bottle of ear drop for the pup
1 bottle of vitamin supplement for the pup
1 bottle of breath freshener spray for the pup
1 bottle hair conditioner for the ladies
1 six-pack of pepsi light (I love pepsi!)
A few canned fruit drinks

Wait. You don't give a shit what's in my shopping basket.

Actually.

I want something REAL BADLY and I might contemplate suicide if I don't get it. Unless you want me dead, please wish really hard I get what I want.
..
..
.

I'm fucked.

I am going to eat the dog now.

Halloween!

2005-11-01T00:09:00.000+08:00

Hey Happy Halloween!

So how was your Halloween?

Mine's pretty exciting! It's probably one of the most unforgettable Halloween in a long long time yet!

I spent Halloween waiting at home for a call which came way too late!!!!!

How cool is that?!

YES! I spent the entire Halloween sitting on my yellow ass, waiting with anticipation for this call which would signal my going to watch 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose'.

It came alright. The call that is. At 11-freaking-20pm when the show's supposed to be at 11.15pm.

I am mad. Of course I am. And justifiably so. If you're [you know who you are] mad that I'm mad, then you are an idiot.

I so wanted to catch this show. And you knew that. I mean, I've already had to miss one show because of your lack of time management or maybe lack of interest.

Hey, if you are not interested in watching the show, you need not have to. I can and will get other company to do so. Just do not patronise me only to play me out in the end. There are just so many horror movies I can miss.

If you say you're gonna watch a certain show with me, then you better do it.

Don't apologise after the show's finished its run because I believe an apology cannot bring the show back.

You gave me some reasons why you had to make me miss the show.

1) You had a last minute meeting
2) You needed 1.5 hours to get home
3) You couldn't get the use of the car
4) It was Hari Raya (I think you meant Deepavali?) and so traffic was congested

I present to you a list of things you could have done.

1) You could have and should have informed me in advance so I can make other plans.
2) Nope. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt that you left at 8.30pm, 1.5 hours after 8.30pm would still just be 10pm. Remember I hung up with you at 7.30pm and you said you were ready to go then.
3) Knowing that you might not be able to use the car, you should've allowed ample time for the possibility of taking public transport.
4) You know this sounds just stupid if you took the MRT yea? However, benefit of doubt again that you took a bus and you will be late, you should've called/messaged me to let me know.

Further,

5) You could've called your mum for permission to use the car and if she refuses, could've gone to the cinema from your workplace
6) You could've suggested taking a cab since you were responsible for us being major late

But no.

It didn't matter that you ruined someone's Halloween. It didn't matter that you failed to keep your appointment. It didn't matter that I, the innocent party, had to miss a show I was dying to catch.

Why I am so pissed:

1) I'm female
2) I waited one whole night for nothing
3) I hate extremely last minute cancellations
4) I cancelled my appointment with Candice and alcohol to make yours
5) One of those rare nights Candice can stay out late and I cancelled
6) Most importantly, I was showered and changed. All ready to go.

Whatever it is, since you've already apologised and even offered me a free movie the next time round (if we even get around to that round), I shall stop being the bitch.

Hell, it's Halloween. I'm allowed to be nasty.

Hang-me-over

2005-10-29T13:36:00.000+08:00

Ohhh......my head. I feel like 10 milliom ceramic balloons are being blown up inside my head.

I keep forgetting hangovers are not nice.

Everything tastes like mud.

Your insides become as sensitive as a newborn's bottom

You just wanna barf your guts out.

Can I say I'm gonna quit drinking? Will you believe me?

Damn, I NEED A CURE FOR HANGOVERS!

I want my martinis and drink it too. =)

The Point

2005-10-28T14:39:00.000+08:00

This week has been hell for me emotionally.

I've lost trust in the most important person in my life who chose to betray me without batting an eyelid.

And this incident changed me and my beliefs completely.

Overnight, I acquired a new set of principles. A new point of view. Things took a drastic change. I began to see the whole world differently. And all this is scaring me.

As usual, J was around to catch my fall.

He called me at 4.15am and we spoke for a while.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, I looked out into the dark grey sky and felt that it was a perfect time to die. Unfortunately, I couldn't butcher myself in the middle of a conversation. Especially a long-distance one. That would be just rude.

Ok, I had a point. In fact, I had a paragraph on it but decided it would take 10 more lengthy paragraphs to make my point. I couldn't be bothered so I deleted that lone paragraph altogether since it wasn't enough to make my point. Instead, I'd rather use this paragraph to explain how I had a point but it would take me more paragraphs to make that point than to explain why I end up not making that point afterall.

Ok, I was being irritating........

Don't know why but I feel like I'm dozing off while I type.

Maybe death would be this easy.

Later y'all.

Guilt

2005-10-22T20:40:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I'm crying now. Well, more like weeping.

The guilt trip is a rough one and I'm overwhelmed.

I've done the same thing to him 3 nights in a row. And it doesn't get easier.

I love him so much and everytime he gives me his lost puppy dog look, I die.

I am such a bad person. No, I'm a monster.

How I can do this to him over and over again, I will never know.

Tonight will be the third night in a row I leave my puppy son at home alone.

I should be shot.

Catchups

2005-10-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

I'm a really happy camper this week!

Dad has flown to Australia (omg, YAY!!!) and so I'd have the use of my rather abused computer for at least the next 2 weeks.

Everyone has been really nice to me recently and my mind sure is boggled. Not like I am complaining.

I've been going out with different people throughout the week and I am enjoying it!

Like last night. I went to a pub about 10 rocks' throws away from my place to meet up with X [identity undisclosed because I don't wanna get him into trouble -he's on such a tight leash].

I wouldn't exactly say I had fun but it sure was different.....being in a ehm...different pub and all.
We left when X got drunk and when I turned down a total stranger's ride home. That is the good thing about patronising a joint near my place. Everybody will get to know everybody and everybody will be living near everybody so everybody can give lifts to everybody.

I received another one of his [X's] 'I-daren't-act-stupid-in-front-of-your-face-but-can-be-incredibly-so-otherwise' text messages after he sent me home [in a cab]. He claimed he felt like touching me 'and all that' earlier. Instead of being offended, I was rather amused. He must be frustrated, if you know what I mean. Haha. That's just weak.

******************************************************************************

I went for a 2.10am film with Max on Friday (technically Saturday).

[the part of this entry has been deleted because I found out Max reads my journal and it's not nice to say mean things about people who reads your journal because it'd make them cry]

Suffice to say, he managed to irritate the shit out of me more than 5 times in less than 3 hours. And all while we're watching the movie. But still, it was a good night. With a good friend.

********************************************************************************

Saturday, I met up with Candice and Max (WHY? DO I NOT LEARN?!). We headed to ICB and because Candice found Asahi disgusting halfway through her bottle, we decided to do the right thing and moved our asses to Holland Village.

There, we had a brilliant time catching up.

The end of the night was gruelling. Max, sorry dude, but I just have to tell.

I asked Max if he was going to send me home and he asked instead that I accompany him to meet up some friends of his. I agreed on the condition they don't take too long coz I was already half asleep.

So we sent Candice home and for a while, I was really envious that she needn't go along to meet his friends [she lives near where Max was to meet his friends]. I knew I should've gotten my ass on a cab at Holland Village when I had the chance. It was too late for that. I was already miles away from my place.

We reached Attica and waited outside while Max jabbed intensely on his keypad every one minute or so. It was around half an hour before we saw the shadow of his friend. By this time, I was not a happy camper. It didn't help too that my bladder was on the verge of bursting.

So they chatted, they laughed and they took pictures while I yawned and people-watched a short distance away. Max did the obligatory introduction but I didn't speak much after that coz I was mad tired, urgently in need of the loo and thoroughly not enjoying myself at all. I knew the night was going to take a turn for the worse when another one of his friends emerged from the club.

They continued talking, laughing and taking pictures while I continued standing a short distance from them feeling like an idiot. It was mad awkward. The only time they spoke to me was to ask me to be their photographer. I smiled and obliged them.

I tried then to be proactive which was difficult because I was annoyed and tired plus I had a heavy bladder. I took their pictures and said 'Damn, I'm good. The pictures are well-taken!' I even added a little skip. I didn't want them to think I was rude or nasty just coz I happened to meet them when I was at my most tired.

Unfortunately, they didn't seem too interested. As a matter of fact, I can't even remember them saying 'thank you' after they got their pictures taken [by me]. Maybe they did, but heck, I don't recall.

So they abruptly resumed their chatter after the photo-shoot while I continued to test the strength of my bladder. I know I could've just gone to the Ladies but I didn't know where it was and I didn't feel like interrupting them.

God tried to help a little by spraying us with drizzles. I turned to Max and caught him at a rare pause before I snapped gently 'It's beginning to rain. Think we should go'.

He gave me a patronising look and turned nonchalantly back to his friends. The fire in me nearly extinguished the strong waves against my bladder when I heard him ask his friends MORE questions.

I was not happy and people who knows me knows I can never hide how I feel. It's almost always written all over my face. That was probably why Max finally informed his friends it's time to call it a night.

To my horror, his friend tried to coax him into staying/going somewhere else. They were pretty inconsiderate if they thought I was gonna be a ghost the whole night, tagging along, unspoken to.
Max did the nice thing and we left. He was polite enough to thank me for coming along and he told me too that he appreciated it. That made me feel better tons. I've also learnt how words (harsh or gentle) can really make or break a situation.

All my annoyance with Max disappeared because at least he was polite and nice about it.

We dashed for the Ladies [after 5 minutes of looking for it] and damn, did I feel goooooooooooooooooodddd.

We got home near 5am and pooped became an understatement.

Cuteness Animalified

2005-10-19T16:51:00.000+08:00

Isn't he beautiful? He is the only one who can create a hole in my $75 blouse and I wouldn't and couldn't stay angry for more than a minute.

I don't know how to upload pictures to the places they should be so I think I shall end this post now before I make a stupider fool of myself than I already am.

End.

Random Shit

2005-10-18T19:16:00.000+08:00

The week just passed saw alot happening.

Loads of alcohol as usual. Was doing a daily at one point.

Friday was spent at a midnight film with Candice and her entourage. We caught Flight Plan which was not too bad I guess. Although unfortunately, the legal eagle in me spotted a ton of loopholes in the story. Went to Balaclava after the film for drinks with the girls. Well, not before getting lost in the giant-of-a-carpark with Candice who thought she was being smart when she decided to stray away from the rest of the obviously smarter gang.

Got to Balaclava late as a result and therefore had to force myself to down 3 bottles of Buds in 20 mins.

*********************************************************************************

Beyond's concert on Saturday night was a major letdown. We got there late at around 8.20pm but were just in time for the band to take the stage.

I got mad-pissed at the idiots who stood on their seats but hell, what was I gonna do? Ain't gonna elaborate on the concert coz it's not worth the trouble. But.

1) I paid $300 for 'em stupid tickets only to end up at the last row of the premier section.
2) Those around me must've got their tickets free coz they sat through the whole performance so I stuck out like a sore thumb when I stood up.
3) The couple next to me made out while the band played.
4) I tried to snap some pictures only to capture the fans' greasy heads and ugly hands.
5) The band, on a whole, was rather insincere. It was a 'get it over and done with' attitude.
6) The band warned that they would play only the scheduled set of songs so 'please don't ask for encore'
7) The band meant it and left the audience screaming for more (why some people cannot grasp 'please don't ask for encore', I can never understand) as the stagehands started dismantling the stage.
8) The night heard a set of songs I wouldn't have picked. The good songs were stupidly left out.
9) The band hardly sang (15 songs max) and when they did, it was out of pitch, out of tune and out of whatever it can be out of.
10) When they didn't sing, they showed a projection clip of past concerts, interviews, album covers, news clippings and what-have-yous. Did I mention that noone could read the words on it coz the words came on for a mere 3 seconds before they flashed away?

I adore Beyond and admire their talent but what transpired on Saturday night must definitely be the weakest and lamest effort to end their 22-year-old career. They didn't go out with a bang. They went out with a soft thud.

That must be one of the nastiest ways to spend $300.

So, I just had to go for a drink after the concert.

Met A at ICB and then met another A

I can't be specific coz it's supposed to be a secret. And it's also supposed to be a secret that A wanted to make out with me (he didn't get to, of course, coz I was not stupid enough).

Woops. Hope I didn't get anyone into trouble.

Tyrone was sweet enough to come meet me near closing. We proceeded to Moh Sultan where I didn't exactly have a good time coz he brought me to this pub having a foam party and I felt left out, being the only one not in a sexy two-piece. Maybe for the good of mankind really.....haha.

Tyrone sure had a way with words but dang, my non-stupidity spoilt it again.

So I left to meet Aaron who was spinning nearby.

We had a brief chat before I took a cab home for the night.

Woke up with a nasty hangover but plenty of good cuddling time with my li'l pup.

Poor Arm Update

2005-10-14T16:48:00.000+08:00

The bruise is spreading like a bushfire.

It looks an unhealthy greenish grey now with patches of dark maroon. Hey, it looks like a map! Dark maroon lines look really like major roads.

My mom insisted I must have got punched hard. She didn't believe a bite could leave such a hideous mark. But it was a bite. No, I think it was two because I can see two sets of teeth marks.
Actually she's right. It does look like someone punched the crap outta my arm. I look like a domestically-violenced spouse.

In fact, it's so bad I actually comtemplated taking legal action.

But I dropped the idea and decided to take this as a very painful (literally) lesson.

I know I must sound like I'm whining but I am really furious about being harmed by someone I didn't even like in the first place.

I would've been happy to get bitten twice over if it was Axl. I want AXL, not ALeX.

************************************************************************

Got 3 SMSes from Aaron just. He said he wouldn't call me ever again because I always fail to return calls. He called me irresponsible. :(

Ouch.

But how do you reject someone for lunch 3 days in a row? He should know I hate going out in the day. Moreover, I have something on tonight already. He's going to work at 7pm and blah.....timing's just fucked.

Rock and hard place.

That aside though, I do have a problem with getting back to people. I am working on it hey!

I don't even get back to Candice and J and these two are my top people.

Coming back, maybe I'd have to initiate a trip down to where Aaron's spinning to make a personal apology.

Not tonight though. And not tomorrow night. Busy busy weekend ahead.

Maybe next week. Hope he'd have cooled down somewhat by then.

I know it's my bad. I think I'd just give him a call now.

Or maybe tomorrow.

The Good & Bad

2005-10-12T12:56:00.000+08:00

And I was stupid enough to say yes when Alex asked me out for a drink. I thought since we haven't met up in like 7-8 years, why not? Last night I found out WHY NOT.

Everything went well until the bottles got cleared one by one, rather quickly.

I got intoxicated as usual and did something stupid like leaving my bag in the Ladies. I didn't even realise my bag was not with me the whole time!

When I made a trip to the Ladies, I brought my bag with me coz it's really not wise at all to leave ANYTHING you don't wanna lose with Alex. Seriously.

And then I left the Ladies without taking my bag (which was hung in front of my face) with me.

Time passed and we decided to leave.

I realised my bag wasn't with me and naturally suspected Alex had got something to do with it. Until I realised he didn't make a dash for the exit.

I asked all my friends and a couple of waiters and they all were quite worried for me because it was a WHOLE bag (bless 'em). Not just a purse or a cellphone.

Michael then said he didn't see me bring my bag out of but he noticed I brought my bag into the Ladies (my, how observant!).

I rushed into the cubicle I had used and voila!

I hugged my bag and checked its content. Everything was intact.

Thank goodness I retrieved everything even though I left my bag in there for at least half an hour. I thank God too that the place wasn't packed last night! What a dolt.

Oh did I mention Alex the sonofabitch bit me on my upper arm?

It hurt alot then but it fuckin hurts more now.

Lemme just illustrate how painful and hard a bite it was. IMMEDIATELY after his bloody teeth left my flesh, there were bright red marks on it. Even when I cut myself with my fingernails once, it took a while for the marks to appear!

I showed a few of my friends the marks and they actually gasped. I should've called the police. This is bodily harm.

After I got home, my mom noticed the marks straightaway even though the lights in her bedroom were turned off.

She thought I fought with someone because the patch of marks was huge.

I had to show her I wasn't bruised anywhere else and therefore could not have been in a fight.

My left upper arm is now severely bruised and freakin' swollen with his ugly teeth mark tattooed on my flawless but flabby arm. Even a slight touch hurts like crazy. I couldn't sleep last night without jolting up from the pain each time I rested on that part of my arm.

My mom was furious and wanted to make lampshades out of Alex's ass.

And this is why I hate going out with Alex. He doesn't behave like a gentleman at all. And he doesn't give a shit what your gender is. I always end up in pain when I'm with him. He used to pull and tug me like a ragdoll with the strength of a typical fat man. More than a decade later, he's still the same.

Even I do not bite that hard (although J might disagree) and my nickname's Sharky. Alex really used his might on my arm and fuck, I could've died from the pain alone, much less rabies.

I have decided never to meet up with him ever again. If you cannot treat a girl like a girl, do not go out with one. Asswipe.

On the bright side, I met Aaron who was DJing at the joint. Someone I knew for many many years. He put on GN'R's 'Night Train' specially for me and also updated me on mutual friends. Alan (my ex-boyfriend) got married to a gorgeous Vietnamese-Chinese in Melbourne (okok I got the drift). Jess committed suicide.

I was never close to Jess. I mean, it did feel weird when she confided in me once about how much she liked Alan who happened to be my boyfriend then. She then snubbed me when my relationship with Alan got stronger.

But still.

I cannot believe she's dead.

She took some drugs and leapt off a building.

Some of us just didn't manage to break free from the drugs I guess.

Didn't probe Aaron for more information because she was his ex-girlfriend and I thought it might not be too nice. Truth be told though, Aaron didn't seem too bothered.

So Aaron sent me home on his trusty scrambler after supper. I was really grateful because he lives all the way at the other end of the island. How sweet. Utterly sweet.

Oh yea, I lost my earring again! I hate getting all tipsy and losing stuff (heh).

So I guess it's a good and bad night. Didn't enjoy Alex's company but welcomed Aaron's. Found my bag but lost my earring.

I guess the scale's tipped over to the good.

Oh wait, no. I have the mother of all hangovers now and I'm to go to town with my mom in 2 hours.

This is no good.

I feel like throwing up now.

PS: I know this post doesn't flow well but hell, you try writing with a hangover and an ugly man beside you pressuring you to hurry up and hand over the computer.

And It Is Enough.

2005-10-11T14:58:00.000+08:00

That you remembered the 'elevator' incident.

That you thought about me and the times we had.

That you thought that was a 'fun and crazy trip'.

When I never thought you'd remember ANYTHING from 7 years ago.

Most importantly, omgomgomg.

It's way more than enough for me to know that the first pair of lips yours ever met were mine.

It blew my mind. How could someone as fine as yourself ...... I would never have expected or suspected.

And this all makes it ok that I am not the one in your life now.

It even makes it ok that I could've, would've and should've been the one in your life now.

For we have some kickass memories I doubt she or any other could give you.

Maybe we'd meet again on a train to France Before Sunrise.

Maybe.

Sha 1 Max 0

2005-10-08T05:29:00.000+08:00

Max got up just for a second, convinced I am the most powerful girl in the whole universe.

He got defeated tonight.

It's 5.36am and I'm still downing my Jims.

He's been knocked out since 2 hours ago, although he thought the 'Urban Legend: Bloody Mary' DVD he slipped in would distract me from that fact for a while.

Damn, his aircon is stroooong and I'm shivering.

He got my mind off my unhappiness tonight and I am grateful.

Nothing like hanging out with an old friend.

Although it would've been wicked if RMH was around.

Where art thou my Romeo?

Ok, gotta wake him up in a while. I wanna go home already.

Why do guys always fall asleep when they drink? Bummer.

Sha 1 Max 0

Your Stupid Girlfriend Tells You

2005-10-08T05:03:00.000+08:00

Am at RMH's house at the mo.

Spent the whole time with Max instead coz RMH's girlfriend's too uptight about me being here.

RMH MSNed me (from his room upstairs) about wanting to join us for a drink but his stupid girlfriend wouldn't hear of it.

Someone pass me the AK47.

Some girls oughta be shot. Cold.

We invited her to come drink with us but I guess that wouldn't do. Coz RMH will definitely fall in love with me and will probably make out with me too after one drink.

Sheesh.

Now Max is snoring on his bed. Great.

PS: RMH darling, you know this post is just josh yea? I'm sure your girlfriend's cool and really pretty too. I hadda be 'mean' coz that's just my kinda humor. Heck, why am I explaining? You know me. I hope.

Same Soul, Different World.

2005-10-07T00:16:00.000+08:00

We are both in the deepest pit of hell.

Yet, we are both trying to climb out of it away from each other.

It matters not that I am not making sense. I just need to get some things down for my own reasons.

It's a trying time for us both and even if we can't be there for each other, let me hope we have enough arms around us to hold onto.

********************************************************************************

My dad closed off all my Messenger conversations a few days ago without my knowledge nor permission when he ungraciously took over the computer (also without my knowledge nor permission when I got momentarily distracted by my dog and his poo).

We had an ugly fight because I felt like he was not according me the respect I deserved as an individual (there's more to this story but I shan't go on since it's pretty pointless and I reserve really personal stories for really personal friends). For the record though, my dad doesn't believe fathers should respect their children.

Whatever it was, I managed to get back in front of the computer 4 days later. I opened up all my Messenger logs to check who messaged me that night (I have over 100 logs so it wasn't really funny).

I know I didn't have to go through all the trouble......but for some reason, I did.

Then I stumbled across his.

I knew there was no way in heaven or hell he'd ever message me but I opened his log anyways.

I read the whole log. Top to bottom. Every single word.

My initial smile slowly disappeared as I perused the last few cold lines he's to ever type me.

How did we ever end up like this?

Was there no way we could've been friends?

.................

I guess there was no way we could've been friends.

Just for a while, I missed him.

Then I clicked the small white cross at the upper right hand corner of my screen.

And I moved on.

And I Am...

2005-10-06T21:09:00.000+08:00

...officially in hell right now.

Will be checking into a hotel soon for a much-needed booze party.

Drop me a tinker or two if you are interested. I must know you. I don't need to like you though.

And. You don't even have to bring alcohol.

How cool is that?

You better take advantage of my state of mind right now.

Life is a bastard so we might as well all be drunk through it.

'The world owes me so fuck you'. - Green Day

The Broken In Spirit

2005-09-30T15:49:00.000+08:00

There're alot of sad souls around me lately.

Everywhere I turn, I'm confronted with crying faces and sobbing hearts.

I guess this is the Maker's way of leaving me no time to think about my own unhappiness. As a pillar of strength to those I love, I cannot afford to be weak.

Friends, lovers, society, family.

Different people with different problems but nevertheless the same pain.

It's a bad time for many.

I'm planning to move to Australia by the way. It's out of point but in a way, I cannot deal with my situation over here.

Anyone wants to go downunder with me?

We can get a nice big house with a nice big door which will shut out the big bad wolf.

Hokay, before I turn into my 8 year-old persona, let me just end this post.

'And I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight' - Tyler (Aerosmith)

(Update: London's cool too ;) )

To Someone

2005-09-29T16:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know if you read my entries anymore even though I know you did a long long time ago.

Even so.

I know how bad life is at the moment for you and nomatter how articulate I am with words of comfort, you'd have probably heard them over a million times from different faces.

It's not that I do not know. It's not that I do not care. Afterall, you were someone I had feelings for, even if it was for a short while.

Here's to let you know, I know.

I know what happened and I know it hurts.

And if it helps, I want to give you a big big hug. To cover you from the world and what she can do to you.

But I doubt it would make a difference.

What can my concern do for you that the rest hasn't already done?

Friends and loved ones who mean more have said their pieces and played their parts.

I didn't feel whatever I say or do would make a difference to you.

Hence the silence.

But if anything, my heart and prayers were with you.

Maybe if we've remained friends, I could at least be physically there for you. But like I said, I know you're always surrounded by concerned somebodies and maybe that's enough. At least for me.

Pull through this. And know there are more out there who cares about you still. Even if you don't know they do.

Know that it's hard for me too. To want to ask how you are but not being able to do so.

There's no doubt we would've been best friends, if not partners. Because if there was one thing we believed in before humans failed us, it was loyalty.

Be well you.

Here's a glass of JD, just for you.

I Am A Bee

2005-09-26T04:35:00.000+08:00

Do not believe anyone who claims they are busy but yet could still update their journals on a somewhat regular basis.

For I am the truly busy one and for the love of me, could not even afford 5 minutes to post an entry nomatter how hard I tried.

For cryin' out loud, it's 4.42am and I am posting this just because I wonder when I'd ever get another chance to again.

I have been so busy. And it's all true.

I would love so much to update on the fabulous time I had when he came over, on the fabulous time I had on my birthday, on the fabulous Friday that just passed and gosh, I could go on.

But time is not on my side.

I am finally getting down to doing what I was supposed to do close to half a year ago. And man, those floodgates. Dang!

This is what you get when you leave things alone for too long.

And right now, I have to go offline so he can call to say goodnight. It's 9.48pm where he's at and he HAS TO sleep at 10pm because he's a sick li'l boy now and he needs all the rest he can get.

He's been off work for a week. That's how sick he is.

Hokay, li'l boy's getting impatiento.

A guy can be such a girl when he's ill, no?

Happy Birthday To Me.

2005-09-17T21:45:00.000+08:00

And so it is.

My birthday, that is.

'You don't want to be nursing a hangover on your birthday. That's silly'. I remember saying that to Greg who celebrated his birthday 2 days before mine.

Maybe I should just shut up sometimes.

For I, too, am nursing a hangover after last night's very wild bash.

Suffice to say, I ended up paying for alcohol I did not order just to knock it (and the whole table) off when I lost my footing. $12 for a tiny glass of JD and not even a sip. Yes, I was drunk.

Oh and, I ate some plants outside the club.

I was mighty drunk according to him.

Will update more details later. He is flying back to England tomorrow morning and I wanna spend the last remaining minutes putting masque on him before we head off for what I hope will be a lovely dinner with the family.

We have too much to do and too little time to waste.

Every minute is precious.

Seconds even.

So there. My bitter-sweet birthday. Happy yet sad.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME DAMMIT.

PS: Thank you y'all who gave me your wishes.

Sweet & Sour

2005-09-13T04:28:00.000+08:00

It is now 4.30am and I've only got 2 minutes to post a quickie before my head hits the pilly.

We are having so good a time and spending so much a money. Haha. ALL WORTH IT.

The purpose of this post is for me to read it again 5 days later so the me 5 days later could mope and be envious of the me now.

Whatever for, I do not know.

I only know the me now have him for another 5 days whilst the me 5 days later would be sending him home.

Gosh. I am so weird.

I am not making sense because I am really in a bitter-sweet-and-sour situation. And of course it's 4.39am in the morning.

He wants me to enjoy whatever days we have left passionately, wildly and crazily and not brood over the inevitable.

I shall try. I shall try not to show him a frown coupled with a 'Please don't go back!' after every 6 steps when we are out.

I am so happy and yet so sad. So sweet and yet so sour.

Tough feeling to describe and tougher to have.

We'd be having another fun-packed long day tomorrow so I gotta hop into bed now.

And then it'd be 4 days.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The Hour Is Near

2005-09-10T04:05:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Winebar. Am a li'l tipsssssssssssssssssssssy.

Called him right after I got home and he's already at Heathrow, although he did SMS me earlier about this delay on the tube [which got me worried like fuck]. Everything's going as planned now so I am happy.

Another 13 hours and I'd be seeing him. The girl can't wait.

I was at ICB earlier tonight [before Winebar] and saw a couple of familiar but insignificant faces. It's sad how things turned out but hey, there's just so much one can do. It's no big loss if you really think about it. Being friends then burdened me with loadsa unnecessary responsibilities and obligations and I really think I'm better off without them. What's a friendship if you feel like Big Brother's constantly monitoring your life and nit-picking on your every action? No fun I tell ya. Hell, they even found it their god-given 'duty' to dictate my love life. I sure do not need that!

That brings to mind. Don't you just HATE 'friends' who poke their ugly noses into all your affairs but when you have no more gossip-worthy information/news to share, they treat you like a total nobody? I mean, they will really act as though you aren't there. Not even a civil 'hi' when both pairs of eyes meet. BUT. Once they smell any new gossip they think you might have (yes, people can be darn observant), they're onto you like a freakin' hairy monkey on your back.

I think I've really done my best with that friendship, doing things I wouldn't normally do [and then hating myself for being so stupid]. But they were NEVER happy with my effort and I felt graded all the time. All the fuckin' time. Like they were some gods. I never knew why I felt this need to please them, or rather, this need to not make them pissed off with me [and they always found something to be pissed off about]. A friendship is all about selection and then acceptance and not this expectation for certain criteria to be met when there was no right to have those criteria in the first freakin' place. I say this in contradiction to my principle of having criteria for friends. Lemme explain.

Yes, we should all have our criteria when choosing friends [as well as choosing a partner] - selection phase. Then, knowing the person as a friend, we accept them. For them, it's a mass of confusion. I am sometimes a friend and sometimes not. They set expectations to their convenience. I have always just been an object of discussion for their very sad and boring lives.

If they treated me as a friend and I fell short of their expectations, I welcome their chastisement, blame, and what-have-yous. But why do I always only get the nasties of a supposed friendship and none of the sugar and spice? Anything without a proper balance isn't worth having or keeping. Such a one-sided friendship is truly not my thing.

Gosh, I should just let it go now. Although knowing me, I'd be back on this topic again in the near future.

So. After ICB, I went to Winebar with Gary to meet his friends. Had more to drink and if I didn't stop myself, I would've thrown up without a doubt. Beer starts to taste like shit after the sixth pint. I was never a beer-drinker. The pocket dictates that I be one for now.

I just hope the hangover's nothing too major coz I still have to entertain Mr VIP tomorrow.

Oh dearie, the anticipation is killing me!

Needa go to bed now if I am to get up in time to pick him from Changi.

Ta-ra y'all.

To Be Arrived

2005-09-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

He will be flying in to spend my birthday with me.

I am really excited about it but like all good things, it will and must come to an end eventually.

Hell, I am just going to enjoy what I can and live for each moment!

This is going to be the best week in a long long long damn fuckin' while.

Will update more. Been cleaning up them li'l pups' frequent poo and I am pooped (lame pun).

Gotta put the boys to bed.

Later.

A note to Blogger: PLEASE do not let me relive the same horror from a year back on my birthday. It took me alot alot of courage to place my trust back in you. DO NOT FAIL ME AGAIN. I might not be so strong this time. Just don't be mean. It's neither nice nor funny to be that traumatised on one's birthday.

To God

2005-08-30T11:47:00.000+08:00

Even if it's not meant to be, please let it be. I want to, have to, need to let it be. You can't break my heart and smash my world into pieces with a cruel 'not meant to be'. You should know by now how utterly much I love him. I cannot, will not live without him.

- a note to God.

(UPDATE: Funny how I have no idea what this post was about. It can't be about any man, that's for sure.)

2 Guys & A Sister

2005-08-24T18:57:00.000+08:00

There is this movie I wanna watch bad and I'd be catching it tonight.

I had a choice.

I could catch it with my sister or with 2 good-looking guys.

2 guys and I'd be the only girl.

2 guys and they'd pick me up.

2 guys and they'd send me home.

2 guys and they'd pay for the tickets.

I chose my sister.

WHY?

I am acting out of character.

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!

Although I did let out a groan of resignation when I realised I made the appointment with my sister 3 minutes before the guys' invitation.

I have my principles too you know.

But damn.

I hate principles.

Of Drafts & Publications

2005-08-24T18:45:00.000+08:00

I realise I have this nasty ass habit.

I always keep my posts in drafts. Why am I always so hesitant in publishing my posts? The beauty is kinda lost if a post goes through multiple editing, no?

I had this conversation 7 years ago with someone special then. Just before he left for England.

Me: I wrote you a letter by the way.

Him: Let me have it.

Me: I don't know if I should. Maybe not now. Look, I'd read it through once and see if I'm ready to hand the letter to you or if there are things in the letter I'd much rather you not know for the time being. I mean, maybe I could rephrase myself or something, ya know?

Him: I want the letter as it is. It's what you wanted to say to me at a particular time. Further, people don't & can't edit the things they say in real life. And that's how it's meant to be. The first draft of a letter is always the most sincere. It always contains what you really mean and intend. Don't change or devalue what you have to say.

He wanted the letter so bad I regretted bringing it up. In fact, he drove me home specially to get the letter 10 minutes after I brought it up. Maybe he was afraid I might really edit the letter if I were to pass it to him another time.

As it went, he got offended by what was written and stopped communication with me. I don't know but I think he expected something romantic or sweet but I really didn't say/imply it was anything like that.

So much for 'don't devalue what you have to say' huh?

I roll my eyes.

Truth be told, I was devastated when he chose to react the way he did because I really didn't think the letter would have such an effect on him.

I had no chance to explain myself by the way. Something good got trashed over a stupid letter I didn't wanna show him in the first place. Moronic. I should have gotten it edited before telling him about it really.

I guess this means I'm still gonna draft my posts and get them edited before I publish the final product.

Maybe it's still better this way.

Schnauzer Love

2005-08-19T17:03:00.000+08:00

My sister brought one of 'em li'l pups home. We are thinking of keeping the little one so we started training him to sleep in our yard.

That poor darling whined and cried the whole night. My heart melted and I released the li'l one back to where us humans were sitting around in the living area. However, I got reproved and so back into the yard went li'l pup. Truth is, he was mad tired but couldn't and wouldn't sleep without human company. Still, if we're going to keep him, he's gonna have to abide by rules and be trained.

I've had my cuddles with him the whole night and so I reluctantly allowed him to be placed back into the yard for his and our own future good.

I got up earlier than usual this afternoon and sprung outta bed quick as lightning because my arms yearned for him. He was nowhere to be found and I felt my eyes getting warm.

I text-ed my sister and she replied 'Mom told me to bring the pup back for the weekend because you are not going to be home tonight'.

Awmannn. I would've cancelled my appointment to stay with him.

My sister will be in Thailand over the weekend and so I guess it'd be Monday before I lay eyes on my li'l darling. I love him so much already.

So yes, tonight I'd be going out and meeting new people. Don't know where I'd be at yet. Probably ICB for a tad and later, China One.

Ohyea, J sent me his recent picture. It's been 5 months since I last saw him.

I'm still giggling.